Slipping Through My Fingertips.

Never have I felt such a strong desire to give God everything than this moment right now. I desire tosurrender my life to Him and allow Him to control what happens, so that He may be most glorified. I am not my own, but I am His. I am bought with His precious blood, and for that I am eternally grateful. In the end, it is His name that must be loved, worshipped, and glorified.

Who am I to think that I may control my own life? I am a depraved, sinful human being, and everything I touch turns to utter destruction and desolation. It is only through the power of Christ that I am here today, and that my life is not in shambles.

Because of this, I will let my life slip through - my dreams, my desires, my longings - slip through my hands, hands which until now have grasped those dreams so tightly so as not to let one be touched, not even by the God of the universe, who has such better plans for me than I have for myself.

Here I am, God - my open hands and open heart before You. Do what You will with me, so that You may be glorified through me. To You be the glory and honor and praise forever and ever, Amen.

How He Loves Us.

By far one of my favorite songs right now... It's so powerful, and so wonderful. I love my Jesus more and more every day. He is infinitely good to me, and I don't deserve it at all.

He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane,
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of
His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.
(x2)

Yeah, He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves.
(x2)

We are His portion and
He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption
by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss and my heart turns
violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way


He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
OH, how He loves

Oh, the Possibilities.

Okay so... I haven't updated this in a while. This pertains to my internship this summer. I know that I talked before about the possibility of doing my internship here in Chicago, but I actually just got off the phone with a woman who works for Friendship Church in Minnesota, and it's looking like that's a good possibility! There would need to be a little tweaking on the requirements, but I don't think it'll be too much. I would be doing my internship in an 8-week period there, and would hopefully be living with the parents of a girl on my floor. Please be in prayer with me about this, as I am probably going to start looking at more options, just in case this one doesn't work out. It would definitely be wonderful if this church worked out, but I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen.

Now on to other things.... Oh man. It feels like forever since I've updated, even though it really hasn't been. Where do I begin? Well... It feels like I'm already drowning this semester, things have been so crazy. I had no idea that having 18 credits my Junior year would be this intense, but it really is. I'm excited to see what God does through everything though, and how he decides to use what I'm learning. I love all my classes, so that definitely makes things A LOT better.

As far as my personal life goes, things have been so great. I've been able to really connect with good friends, and spend as much time with them as I can in the midst of such a busy schedule. I've made new friends, deepened my relationships with old friends, and things have just been smooth for the most part! God has been so good. I even have had a smooth road for the most part in relation to the opposite sex! Haha. Without divulging much information, I went on a date this past weekend and we spent the majority of the weekend together, but after talking last night, this guy told me that he isn't sure yet what he wants, but he will let me know when he figures it out. So I figure that I'll just give him some space and let him sort through things. And I really feel like I'm okay with whatever the outcome is. If he wants to pursue something then I'm definitely not opposed to it, but if it's just a friendship thing, that's completely great too. I really have a heart to do what God wants for me, and I don't want to try and force things that aren't from Him.

God has really just given me a peace lately about my life and that He knows what He's doing. I may not completely understand it, but God always has and always will have the best plan for my life, and it's just up to me to trust Him. Today in chapel was such an encouragement toward that. We sang a song that I had never sung before, but it was simply amazing. It said:

Be the center of our lives

Be the place we fix our eyes

Be the center of our lives

And You're the center of the universe

Everything was made in You, Jesus

Breath of everything living thing

Everyone was made for you

You hold everything together

You hold everything together

---

That is SO convicting, and SO true. Jesus needs to be the center of my life. It shouldn't be an option. Yet, so many times I put my hopes and my desires in front of Him, instead of giving them up entirely to Him and letting Him deal with them as He wants. I just need to trust that He has everything under control, and He's not going to let me slip through His fingers. God is good and gracious, and He is the ultimate provider for everything I need. For example, I was just talking with the women's ministry leader at this church, and she talked about how they may not be able to pay me this summer because it's not even figured into their budget, but it's okay. I know that if it's what God wants me to do, He will provide. Even if I have to get support for the summer, I will do it.

Please continue to keep me in your prayers as I try to understand what God wants me to do this summer, and more importantly that I will trust Him with whatever direction He decides to take me in. Our God is so good, and I just want His will to be done. I have my own desires and my own plans, but ultimately it's his plans that really matter.

Square One.

Well, I met with my advisor today about wanting to work with the publishing company for my internship. And... she said no. It's really disappointing, but I guess if it's not supposed to happen, then it's not supposed to happen. And these are the times when I really have to remember that God is in control and He has the future mapped out for me.

I actually just got invited by a friend to live with her over the summer and do my internship here in Chicago.... And I gotta say... That doesn't sound half bad. I think it would actually be really fun to live in Chicago over the summer, so I guess we'll see what happens!

Please just be in prayer for me about these decisions and pray that God gives me the wisdom to make the right ones and know what direction He wants me to go in. I might still just live at home during the summer, but I'm really undecided. I would actually absolutely love to live in the city over the summer, especially if I was living with my friend Kathryn. Again, just please be in prayer for me. Thanks. :)

Free. :)

For all my friends who have read my blog and have heard me talk about a certain person and how I agonized over it...... Well, I just had this type of a moment: (Not all the details are true, obviously, but you get the point.)

Especially the end.... This is me RIGHT NOW. And it feels so... so good. :)

Burdened.

My heart is heavily burdened for the people of Haiti right now. Mark Driscoll, the pastor of Mars Hill in Seattle and James MacDonald, the pastor of Harvest Bible Chapel here in Chicago, are down there right now. I just received a twitter update from Pastor Mark saying that he just saw a teenage boy get shot in the head and die instantly down there. It's hell on earth there right now, and there needs to be constant prayer for our fellow human beings. We need to take action instead of saying that this is a very unfortunate thing and not really doing anything further about it. This is very, very serious. A country has been absolutely devastated and destroyed by this terrible disaster.

Pastor Mark and Pastor James started a website before they left in order to help raise money for Haiti, and I would highly encourage you all to look at it and ask yourself if you are called to give to this cause. If you can't give financially or physically, then please do everything in your power to continue praying for this country and for everything that is going on. Prayer is the very least and the very most we can do.

Please take a look at the website:

http://www.churcheshelpingchurches.com

A Paradox.

As I am sitting in the library tonight, I cannot bring myself to stop thinking about the terrible devastation that has occurred in Haiti. Fox News was on the television at the library all afternoon while I was working, and it was heartbreaking to see the horrific results of that deadly earthquake just 48 hours ago. After work, I walked over to the coffee shop on campus, only to see that the news was also playing in that room. It was there that I realized this paradox or oxymoron, if you will: In the same eyeline as the television showing this disaster, the dead and the mourning, I saw college students laughing and enjoying each other.

It caused me to ponder my own life's tragedies, and how it seemed so strange for the rest of the world to continue when my world had completely stopped. In a way, it seems as though we should all be mourning along with the rest of Haiti because of how devastating this disaster is. Please don't mistake me on this, though. I am in no way judging those that are still laughing in the midst of this - heck, I was laughing with a friend just a half an hour ago, and I am sure that everyone else has done the same.

However, seeing the effects of the earthquake should sober us to the reality of how fragile this world and human life is. Thousands of people died - let that sink in for a few moments. This is no small issue. To put it bluntly, these thousands of people met their eternal fate through this tragedy, either walking into eternal glory with God, or being separated from Him forever. Do we really ever stop to think about this?

Through this, I am reminded of what we as Americans do when a celebrity passes away. We've mourned the loss of Heath Ledger, Brittany Murphy, Roy Disney, and others. We mourn the loss because we will no longer see the evidence of their talents, but when was the last time we stopped to think about the eternal ramifications of their deaths? These people, though very successful on earth, are very likely now separated from God forever. This is huge.

This convicts me, because it makes me realize how little effort I put into telling others the Gospel and sharing my faith. I am always too afraid - too afraid that they won't like me anymore, too afraid that they'll think ill of me, too afraid that I might be hurt by their comments. But really, what does this matter in light of eternity? In light of their eternal destination? My fears are nothing in comparison with that realization.

I am at a loss to give a satisfactory challenge to my readers. I know this was a depressing blog, but these thoughts are burdening my heart and mind right now. Maybe this didn't make sense, but I needed to get it out.

Ready, set, GO.

So, it's day 2 of classes, which also means that it's day 2 of no Facebook for me. And so far, so good! Classes have been really good for me so far. I'm excited about all of them! I dropped Minor Prophets because it was going to be RIDICULOUS, and I'm going to be taking Romans instead. It's a required class, but I wasn't going to take it until next year. However, I'm okay with taking it this semester. The main assignment that I'll do for that class is memorize the ENTIRE book of Romans! How cool is that? It will take the place of a lot of other assignments in that class, had I not chosen to do the memorization. The first portion is due on the 18th of February, and it's 4 chapters. So I'd better get crackin'!

I have to say, I am SO excited about this semester. I said before that I was skeptical about being back, but if things keep going the way that they are, I should be okay. I've been able to see that there are people who actually really do care about me, and that's been nice to see. Right after lunch today I got a HUGE hug from one of the guys I work with, and that was really encouraging. I've also been really proactive in eliminating drama in my life, including someone who said that he wanted to have coffee with me in order to work out a "problem." Without giving much detail, this guy and I are no longer friends, and haven't been since October. Because of that, I don't see any problem to work out, and I told him that I was uncomfortable meeting with him because I didn't think it would solve any problems, but make things worse because I knew that I shouldn't actually see him face-to-face. I don't know if he understood or not but regardless, I did what I needed to in order to cut down on the drama.

I know that this semester is going to be hard enough academically, and that's why I'm taking these steps. I have to become healthy emotionally in order to succeed academically. Some people don't understand why I've taken a month off of Facebook, but that's a huge part of it. In no way, shape, or form do I judge anyone who is on there all the time, because I'm normally one of those people. But for my own health right now the best thing for me to do is to not be part of that social network.

Anyway, that's it for now. I have Self-Defense in 15 minutes, so I need to head over to the gym. Love you all. :) I would love to keep in touch with my friends while I'm not on Facebook, so don't be afraid to call, text, or email me. All that info is on my profile. Bye for now!

New Blog.

Because of my newfound desire for a certain direction in my life, I am desiring to refine my writing skills through constructing small Bible Studies and such from my daily devotions. I have a new blog for it, and would love for you all to follow it and give me constructive criticism on what you about it. What I should keep, what I should change... etc. Thanks, you guys. :)

http://bethsbiblestudies.blogspot.com .

<3

Update.

Well, it's been a few days so I guess I'll give an update on everything that's going on. I got back to Chicago on Tuesday afternoon, and it was pretty annoying trying to get my luggage. The display board had my flight up, and then all of a sudden it disappeared, so there was a good 20 of us at least who were wandering around, trying to figure out where our luggage was supposed to come out. After a few phone calls to my dad and trying to see if it was updated on the internet and a lot of confusion, the board was finally updated and I was able to get my bag. I was pretty worried for a while, though!

It was nice once I actually got back on campus. I really don't like travelling to and from the airport. It's a pain in the butt. So when I actually got to my room, it was really nice to just relax and not have to worry about anything.

I was really skeptical about being back though, and I still am. I don't want this semester to be like the last one in any way. I am determined to be proactive and intentional about making my semester different. The past few days have been good, though. All of the new students are moved in, and they seem really nice. Especially the new girls on my floor - I think I'm going to like them. :)

-----

So this semester is going to be one full of A LOT of busyness and stress, but I'm going in with guns blazing. I have 18 credits, a women's ministry to head up, an internship to design, and other miscellaneous things to do. I'm really looking forward to seeing how God decides to work and reveal Himself in my life throughout this time. I also am beginning to have more of a direction with my life, and I'm so excited about that.

Let me explain a little bit more: over break, I began getting questions about what I want to do after graduation, since I only have 3 semesters left. For a while I had absolutely no idea, so I began to think of how I could possibly use my degree in Women's Ministry and Biblical Languages. Then it hit me: I love to write. (Hence, the blog). I really want to begin refining my skills, because once I graduate Moody, I'm looking at going to grad school for Journalism. What I would really like to do is write for a Christian publishing company after school. So in order to do that, I need to get my masters. I'm not sure exactly where I want to go, but what I do know is that I want to go somewhere totally different. I would love to end up somewhere where I don't know anyone at all, and I have to start completely fresh. That just sounds like a wonderful idea to me. :) I've been considering maybe somewhere in Dallas or Oregon. I still need to research schools obviously, but yeah.

Earlier I talked about designing an internship, and that relates to my desire to work for a publishing company. For the Women's Ministry major the internship is designed specifically for a church setting, but if I design it well enough I might be able to get approval from my advisor. Please be praying with me on this! I think it would be a great opportunity to do that internship because it would directly correlate with what I want to do after I graduate. If I got this internship it would also mean though that I wouldn't be at camp next summer, but that's a sacrifice I am willing to make in order to do what's best for my future. I guess we'll just have to see where God leads and directs, eh? :)

Anyway, I think that's enough of an update for now. I'm sure I'll have more to update about once classes begin. I'm gonna get back to my Systematic Theology reading now....

Deletion.

Is that a word? Meh, oh well. This blog is being written simply to state that I'm going to be deleting my facebook account for a while. After making this announcement I'll keep it up for a few more days so people who don't get online can see the update, but I definitely taking the step to delete it for a while. I'm considering going a month without facebook. Maybe I won't actually delete my account, but I won't be going on at least for a month. Can I do it? I think I can. I'll have plenty of things to do in the mean time.

What I'm realizing is that I spend way too much time on facebook, which is a waste of time and a completely impersonal way of trying to stay in touch with people. The people that I really care about and who care about me are in my phone book and I'm in theirs, and if they want to talk to me, then they will. I'm tired of trying to keep in touch with people who don't care to keep in touch with me, and I need to be able to focus on where I'm at and what I'm doing at the moment instead of talking to people that I'll either never see again or who just really don't care about our friendship.

This is a big step for me. It sounds pathetic since it's just facebook, but it's true. I need to move on with my life and do something different. I need to work on myself and who I am in Christ instead of being focused on how many people I'm friends with, what pictures I'm tagged in, etc. I'll be keeping up with my blog and updating people through that, so you can follow my blog if you'd like. If not, then I'll talk to you all in a month.