Live in Peace.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

- Romans 12:17-21 (NIV; Emphasis added)

Most of us have encountered this situation. We’ve encountered someone in our lives that we want to reconcile with and make things work, but either the other person isn’t interested, or for some unknown reason the issues, hurts, or problems are irreparable.

In the summer of 2010 between my Junior and Senior years of college, I was an intern for a youth group.  It was a large youth group, so there were 3 male and 2 female interns. Upon meeting my fellow leaders, I was excited about what the summer could bring and what we could accomplish as a team. However, I was mistaken in my excitement. Instead of a great relationship and teamwork with the other female intern, it turned into almost a competition. At one point during the summer when I told her I would like to be a team, she said, “You do whatever you want. I’m going to do everything I can to learn as much as possible, and I’m going to do things on my own.”

At that point, I knew nothing could be done. Even though I tried to invite her to events such as sleepovers with some of the students, she wouldn’t show up and neglected to invite me to things she did. Let me be clear, though. As hurt as I was by many things during the summer, I wasn’t perfect either. I talked about her to people (including students, which was a terrible decision), I lashed out at her in anger one day, and by the end of the summer I simply refused to talk to her. I was so angry that she didn’t want to work together, because that was something I had so desired. I was angry that I heard from other students that she had talked about me (even though I had done the same thing), and I left for school bitter and resentful.

A couple weeks went by, and I realized that my actions were wrong - I needed to apologize and attempt to reconcile. Without giving much detail, I sent her a message that was left unresponded to, and when I tried to talk to her, I instead received threatening emails from her brother and her best friend. At that point, I wanted reconciliation so much, or at least a chance to talk through things. But she wasn’t interested. I was so frustrated, because I couldn’t understand why a Christian would want to live in bitterness or resentment toward another person instead of at least moving to a place of closure.

I began to see things as my fault. I began to blame myself for the entire situation, and I felt as though I was a horrible person. It was then that Eric (my boyfriend at the time, now husband), grabbed me by the shoulders and said,

“Bethany. It’s okay. Were you perfect? No. Did you make mistakes and hurt her? Absolutely. Does that matter now? No. Why? Because you’ve done everything you can to correct things. And that’s all you’re responsible for.”

I was floored by this. Really? I’m not defined by my mistakes, but rather what I do to make things right? That made so much sense, and yet it was so difficult for me to grasp. I always believed that I was defined by my faults - I was constantly looking for places to “start over” or have a “clean slate,” because I didn’t want to be around anyone who knew how flawed I was or what kind of mistakes I made in my past. But that’s not how it works - while there are those who don’t want to admit it, we’ve all made mistakes we wish to move on from.

“As far is it depends on you, live in peace with everyone.”

I tried to work things out with the other female intern - I had done everything I could think of (including calling her, asking our boss to mediate between us, etc), and nothing had worked. At that point, I had a decision to make: I could either keep on trying to no avail (and making things worse for myself emotionally in the process), or I could let go and move on.

It took about 3 years to fully let go, simply because I was so rocked by the situation. But as I began to heal, I realized the freedom that letting go brings - it allowed me not to blame myself. I was able to forgive the other female intern for the way she treated me, to forgive myself for the things I had done, and most importantly, I was able to accept that I was forgiven by God. I knew God didn’t look down on me with anger or judgment - He knows exactly what I’ve done to make the situation right, and that’s all the matters.

If you’re facing a situation of this sort now, or if you have in the past, there is hope. God doesn’t view you in light of your past mistakes or failings. You are forgiven. You are loved. Your mistakes don’t define you, nor does the other person’s refusal to work through things. It’ll take time to push through. It’ll take time to heal. But in the end, you’ll be a stronger person. You’ll be a better person, because you won’t allow yourself to do the same things that were done to you. It’s a journey, and it’s a difficult one. But with faith, hope, and Love, you can make it through.

Highway Emotional Breakdown.

I had a full-blown emotional breakdown on I-25 today.

I was on my way home from my GI (Gastroenterology) appointment when I called my dad to talk to him about what the doctor and I had discussed (Eric’s at work and I always need to verbally process with someone).

That’s when everything that happened in the last year hit me like a ton of bricks. For those of you who don’t know, I have Ulcerative Colitis, and I was diagnosed with a rare disease in March called, “Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis.” It’s a degenerative liver disease, which means that somewhere in my probable future looms a liver transplant. The disease is so rare that there’s no treatment for it right now. The only thing I can do is make sure I’m tested to see that the levels aren’t too high and I don’t have any “strictures” (closed pathways) in my bile ducts. On top of that, I recently had a sub-total colectomy. I still have the last 12-inches of my colon, which means I still technically have UC, and I still need to have tests done and take medication. It’s possible that the little colon I have left will become “active,” and I’ll need to have that removed as well.

So there you go.

As I was talking with my dad, I just burst into tears. Through this whole ordeal I’ve really tried to be “strong” and trust God with my health and future. But in that moment I was just.. afraid. I was (and am) afraid of having kids and possibly passing these problems onto them, I was (and am) afraid of my liver failing suddenly, and I was (and am) afraid of my life being cut short because I have these diseases so early in life (I was diagnosed with UC at age 7, and most people aren’t diagnosed with PSC until their 30’s or 40’s).

In that moment, fear just completely overwhelmed me. Anyone who knows me knows I’m prone to anxiety anyway, but when there are real-life things to actually be anxious about, it just becomes magnified. I was blubbering on the phone, and I can’t even imagine what the people in the cars next to me were thinking as snot was going everywhere and the tears just wouldn’t stop.

That’s when my dad started talking. He told me that he understood. He told me that it’s okay for me to feel this way. He told me that because he doesn’t have a serious disease he can only understand so much, but that he “gets it.”

He also told me that even though it’s hard, God is trustworthy, and has a plan. Even though I can’t see it now, he has his purposes for why he’s allowed me to deal with these diseases. And while there’s still some fear that remains, hearing that truth was so encouraging and so calming. Even now I’m struggling through tears, but there’s a profound peace in my soul.

We’re all mortal, and we’re all afflicted with different things. Some of us have physical diseases, some have mental diseases. Some have had loved ones pass away too soon, some struggle with infertility and miscarriages, and the list goes on and on. We all have crosses to bear.

I don’t say that flippantly or to say, “Well, everyone’s got something, so just deal with it,” because that’s not how I feel at all. Sometimes just “dealing with it” is impossible. Sometimes it’s the hardest thing in the world to just think about the difficulties we face. I know for me, many times when the thought of my PSC pops into my head, I struggle to fight back the tears. Even if I’m not thinking of the implications, just the word PSC itself brings intense emotions sometimes.

I guess what I’m trying to say to all of you is that, even if I don’t know you, even if I don’t know your specific situation, I get it. Not to the fullest extent that you understand because you’re the only one who knows how deeply it affects you, but to the best of my ability, I understand. It’s hard, and it sucks, and sometimes just surviving the day without a complete breakdown is an accomplishment.

I’m also not saying that I’ve all of a sudden unlocked the secret of trusting God - because I certainly haven’t. I’m sure tomorrow I’ll wake up and probably go through the same thing all over again. But what I really want to get across is that your emotions, your fear, your anxiety… it’s all okay. I always thought (and still think very often) that I needed to be strong. I needed to put on a brave face and not let anyone think I was struggling, and I wanted to try and trick God into thinking that I can handle it.

But the truth is… I can’t handle it. I simply can’t.  If I were trying to walk this journey alone, I wouldn’t be able to do it. I don’t even know where I’d end up, but I know it wouldn’t be pretty. God didn’t give me this because he thinks I can handle it - in fact, it’s just the opposite. My diseases are constant reminders that I cannot walk this life on my own. That faith and trust are vital for my survival - spiritually, emotionally, and even physically.

I’m not going to try and get you to believe that I wouldn’t change my diseases if I could, because that’s simply not true. If I had the opportunity to turn it all around, I would do so in less than a heartbeat. I still pray almost every day that God would miraculously heal me (cue the tears), but I know that it’s ultimately his decision. If he decides to heal me, I would be over the moon and would shout his praises. But even if he doesn’t… I still need to learn to praise him. I’m not saying that we should be “happy” about our circumstances, because honestly I think the people who say those types of things are idiots. What I AM saying, though, is that God deserves our praise - even if we can only give a little at a time. As I’m writing this, I’m reminded of a song by Kutless called, “Even If.” [a lyrics music video is posted at the bottom]

Our Christian culture has become so obsessed with “healing” and “prosperity,” that we’ve forgotten the fact that God doesn’t always (or even often) choose to heal. But in the end… He is still good. He is always good. No matter what. He is unchanging, and he is always for us. I’ve always believed (and still do, even though it’s hard), that everything God does is for my good and for his ultimate glory. I don’t understand all (or even most) of the reasons why he’s allowed me to carry what he has, but I know that he’s with me through it all. And that’s the greatest comfort.

I love you, friends. Whatever’s plaguing your heart today, bring it to the Lord. He wants to know your real and raw emotions. The wonderful thing about our God is that we don’t need a mask to come to him. He already knows it all, and is with us through it all, even the raw and “ugly” emotions.

Please listen to this song, if you're able. It's difficult and rough, but it's good to be reminded that God is faithful, even in the darkest moments of our lives.

Even if the healing doesn’t come

And life falls apart

And dreams are still undone

You are God You are good

Forever faithful One

Even if the healing

Even if the healing doesn’t come

Faithfulness.

The Lord spoke to my soul this morning.

This doesn't happen often, but sometimes I feel this great burden from life -- its challenges, heartaches, stresses, etc. I become downtrodden and wonder if I'm capable of the growth and change that I so desperately desire in order to become more like Christ.

And then... He gives me mornings like today.

I was absolutely blown away by this sunrise. This picture (horrible quality with my iPhone..) cannot even do a little justice to the beauty of this morning. Through this gorgeous sunrise, I was reminded of the beauty of my God.

He is lovely. 
He is beautiful. 
He is awesome.
He is majestic.
He is powerful.
He is faithful.
He is good.
He is mighty.
He is wonderful.
He is righteous.
He is trustworthy.
 

He is.


My friends, most mornings I wake up hating the fact that I'm awake while it's still dark. But when I get in my car, I am bombarded with the reality that my God has made the sunrise. He created it. He is the ultimate Painter, and he paints these pictures as a sign of His love for His creation. Yes, I know there is science behind the sunrise, but the God of the universe set it all into motion, and I am eternally grateful.

As I was talking with one of my customers, I told him how this was a difficult morning - I saw the beautiful sunrise, yet I wished I was still asleep. He then said with a smile, "You know, I think the sunrise is God's reward to people who rise early." And you know, I think he's right. God is good. Even when we don't see it.


Praise Him for His faithfulness. What a good, good God we serve.

Lamentations 3:22-24

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

 his mercies never come to an end; 

they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
    “therefore I will hope in him.”

Our God is Powerful!

Psalm 29

Ascribe to the LORD, O heavenly beings,
ascribe to the LORD glory and strength.
Ascribe to the LORD the glory due His name;
worship the LORD in the splendor of holiness.

The voice of the LORD is over the waters;
the God of glory thunders,
the LORD, over many waters.
The voice of the LORD is powerful;
the voice of the LORD is full of majesty.

The voice of the LORD breaks the cedars;
the LORD breaks the cedars of Lebanon.
He makes Lebanon to skip like a calf,
and Sirion like a young wild ox.

The voice of the LORD flashes forth flames of fire.
The voice of the LORD shakes the wilderness;
the LORD shakes the wilderness of Kadesh.

The voice of the LORD makes the deer give birth
and strips the forests bare,
and in His temple all cry, "Glory!"

The LORD sits enthroned over the flood;
the LORD sits enthroned as king forever.
May the LORD give strength to His people!
May the LORD bless His people with peace!

Right now in my quiet times I'm reading through the book of Psalms. Especially with where I'm at right now, the Psalms are so incredibly encouraging and uplifting. They remind me of God's love, comfort, and sovereignty, and I'm so glad about that.

This morning I read through Psalm 29 (which was posted above), and was deeply reminded of God's power. Our God is not some weak god who requires us to do something for him in order for him to do something awesome. Instead, our God is able to do anything. Going through all of my health junk, it is such a comfort to be reminded that my God has the ability to do whatever He wants. He may not choose to do the things I would like Him to do (ex. heal my diseases), but I know that He has an ultimate plan and that He has every ability to take care of me in the midst of my trials.

We heard two pieces of good news from our trip to Mayo and when we came home last week that reminded me of God's power: my blood tests were completely normal and even showed me to be very healthy, and we received a letter back from our hospital telling us we were accepted into the Financial Assistance Program which will GREATLY reduce our medical bills! Praise God!

I am beyond grateful for the power of God in my life. Though He allows me to go though these trials, I know that He is beside me every step of the way, comforting me with His love and His peace that surpasses all understanding. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I serve an all-powerful God who knows exactly what is going to happen and will take care of me no matter what. What a supreme, supreme comfort that is. Praise God for His power and majesty.

3 Months and Counting. :)

So, yes. Sunday was Eric's and my 3-month anniversary, and it's weird to think that we've already been married for 3 months. We're starting to settle into our life here in Minnesota, and we're looking forward to the journey ahead of us. :) 

These first 3 months have definitely taught each of us a lot more about who we are individually, and who we are to each other. I had a friend post about her marriage thus far, and she talked about how it wasn't as difficult as people said it would be. However, that's not how it's been for Eric and I. We are learning that marriage is the sweetest relationship in the world, but it's also the most difficult. We are called to deny ourselves everyday and to let the other person be who they are without trying to control anything, and it's not always easy. But I will tell you this: Marriage is the best thing to happen to us.

Though it's not easy, and though we might argue over the best way to start a campfire, or over what time we should go to church on Sunday morning, we wouldn't trade it for the world. It's not always cake and butterflies, but we are growing and being stretched more than I would have even thought possible. Marriage has such a way of showing you exactly how flawed you are and everything that you have failed at and need to work on. We're excited for this journey - it's going to be long and difficult, but the enjoyment of knowing that we have each other for the rest of our lives is totally worth it. 

Life together is beginning to be normal for us. We enjoy the simple things - the kiss goodbye as we head off to our jobs, the 3 roses he brings me when I'm sick, the walks we take in the park just happy to hold each other's hands.... It's so sweet. We don't need a lot, and we don't have a lot. But the important thing is that we have each other, and that's all we need. Sure, bills and other expenses will certainly be part of our lives, but we can get through it because we have each other - and most importantly, we are grounded and bound together by Jesus Christ.

Almost every night, right before we go to sleep, Eric asks me if we can pray together. This is one of the sweetest things for me, because it helps me remember that while we are close together, we are only together because of God's purposes in our lives, and we need to look to Him for our strength and guidance. I love hearing the question, "Can we pray?" from my dear husband, and I respect him so much for doing that. 

We have a lot to learn in our marriage. We are nowhere even close to being perfect at our relationship, but we're enjoying the ride, no matter how difficult it gets. We're excited to come closer together, to learn how to deal with life's situations, and to one day have babies and learn how to raise them in the way they should go. 

I'm married to my best friend, and that's the best feeling in the world. I know that no matter what happens, no matter how difficult things get, he's going to be there for me and love me, and I couldn't ask for anything more than that. I'm really looking forward to the rest of our lives. :)

When I Get Distracted.

Life is messy. Life is hard. Life is distracting.

I get distracted so often, and this song always pulls me back into focus. Our pastor had a great message today on Romans 8, and that no matter what... no matter the hardships or the suffering, God is there. He wants to comfort us and bring us into His arms, and He wants to make us His own.

All my delight is in You, Lord.



I will live to bring Him praise.

I Just Don't Understand.

You know, sometimes I just don't understand why horrible things happen to people. People who seem to be really kind and caring. I know that everyone is a sinner and does bad things, but there just seems to be something so unfair about really nice girls having horrible things happen to them, and then developing mental disorders because of those traumatic experiences that weren't even their fault.

I know that God knows what He's doing and He has the world under control, but there are just some things I can't figure out.

What about the nice, good girl who gets raped? What about the good guy who gets horribly beaten and sent to the hospital? What about the little kids who have to grow up without a mother because their dad murdered her? What about the woman who has not only one miscarriage, but 3, 4, 5...?

I know that this is gruesome, but these things really happen. All the time.

My heart cries for justice.

My heart cries for God to hear the broken and bruised.

For God to physically intervene and save these people.

Ugh. I just don't understand sometimes (I hate not having all the answers).

Bible Boredom.

[Well, picture #2 wins! Not that I got a lot of responses on my question.. But I understand. This whole changing my blog every other day is getting pretty annoying. I wish I could find something that just looked completely amazing and had everything that I could want. *sigh* Well, until then, I guess my blog is going to be a work in progress.]

Anyhoo... 

I have a confession to make. I rarely spend any time reading my Bible. Seriously, it's pretty sad. Anybody else have that problem? Gosh, I always have these high hopes and dreams that I'll read it every day and I'll make it so important, and then... I decide to read Harry Potter or another such book instead, because it's more "entertaining."

However, God definitely has His own way of getting our attention, doesn't He? The way it seems that He's chosen to get my attention is through none other than... insomnia. Yes. Insomnia.

Ugh.

Okay. So, the past week or so I have just been sleeping horribly, and last night was the worst. Neither Eric (he had other reasons for not being able to sleep) nor I were able to sleep, and it was just brutal. So, I decide to pick up my Bible for the first time in probably 3 weeks or more and actually read it. I read through the book of Philippians (short book, easy read) and I read Psalm 145.

After reading that Psalm, I thought to myself... How can I be reading about this amazing God right now and be so in awe of Him, and then the next day just completely push Him to the side? ...The depravity of my sinful nature is almost unfathomable.

Unfortunately, I don't have any simple solutions or amazing breakthroughs in this post. Just thoughts... questions... confessions. I truly want to get into Scripture and grow deeper in my relationship with Christ, but it's definitely not easy - especially when I don't *feel* like reading my Bible, and I'd rather be reading something else.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Here's Psalm 145 for you guys to mull over if you'd like. God is pretty stinkin' awesome.


Psalm 145

 I will exalt you, my God the King;
   I will praise your name for ever and ever.
Every day I will praise you
   and extol your name for ever and ever.
  Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;
   his greatness no one can fathom.
One generation commends your works to another;
   they tell of your mighty acts.
They speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty—
   and I will meditate on your wonderful works.
They tell of the power of your awesome works—
   and I will proclaim your great deeds.
They celebrate your abundant goodness
   and joyfully sing of your righteousness.
  The LORD is gracious and compassionate,
   slow to anger and rich in love.
  The LORD is good to all;
   he has compassion on all he has made.
All your works praise you, LORD;
   your faithful people extol you.
They tell of the glory of your kingdom
   and speak of your might,
so that all people may know of your mighty acts
   and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.
Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
   and your dominion endures through all generations.
   The LORD is trustworthy in all he promises
   and faithful in all he does.
The LORD upholds all who fall
   and lifts up all who are bowed down.
The eyes of all look to you,
   and you give them their food at the proper time.
You open your hand
   and satisfy the desires of every living thing.
  The LORD is righteous in all his ways
   and faithful in all he does.
The LORD is near to all who call on him,
   to all who call on him in truth.
He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
   he hears their cry and saves them.
The LORD watches over all who love him,
   but all the wicked he will destroy.
  My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD.
   Let every creature praise his holy name
   for ever and ever.

PS - Over 5,000 views! Wow... I can't believe it. Thanks for reading my blog, friends. :)

Blessings And A Bit Of Sap.

Hey guys -

So, today I'm doing things a little bit differently again. I'm gonna write out some thoughts, and THEN I've got a video that I'm gonna post (beware, it's super sappy, for those of you who don't like cheesy lovey stuff...).

Here goes.

I met with a friend today after I got off of work, and one thing we talked a lot about was how incredibly blessed we are here in America. We talked about our different experiences in other countries (my experiences in Mexico and Peru and hers in Guatemala) and how those people over there have almost nothing, and yet are most often 20x more content than we are here in America. They are so willing to give of their time and the little resources that they have even though they have almost nothing, and yet here we are in America with so much to give... and we keep it all for ourselves.

I know that I'm guilty of that SO often. I just want more and  more (especially when it comes to money) and I'm so hesitant to give anything away. I take everything that I have for granted, and am hardly ever actually grateful for anything that I have. Why do I do this, even though I have so much and can easily give of my time and resources to other people?

When I ask myself that question I can only come up with one answer - I am totally, utterly, and completely sinful. I am such a selfish human being, and sometimes it has to take everything that I have within myself to actually be selfless. And often times... I don't want to make that effort.

So.... I'm making a pledge. I want to be more grateful, more willing to give away my time and resources, and not take my blessings for granted. Obviously I'm not going to be perfect at it. I'm going to screw up, I'm going to take the people in my life for granted, I'm going to be stingy with my money and free time... But the point is that I want to try. I want to try to be different in how I live my life. I don't want to live selfishly, but rather I want to live selflessly as best as I can. ...We'll see how well I do at it.

Okay. So now.... for the sappy part. Last week I decided to learn the song "You Got Me" by Colbie Caillat (Yes, it's a super sappy song). I sung it for Eric, and now I'm going to post a video of me singing it on my blog, because.... well... I can. Trust me, you are under NO obligations to listen to it! I just have a desire to show people how much I love my husband and how much he means to me. So this is one way that I want to do that. I know that it's really cheesy, but... I don't really care. Y'all can take your cold hearts somewhere else if you're grossed out by it. ;) Just kidding! I understand that people are different, but anybody who knows me even a little bit knows that I'm a hopeless romantic. So... here's the video. :) Oh, and I DO realize that it gets pitchy in parts. Don't judge -- no one's perfect, and I had just learned the song that day. So there. =P Love you all! :) (Oh, I DO apologize for the quality. I'm hoping to get a better camera in the future...)

Eric Pegors - You are the biggest blessing in my life. Through all of my screw ups and failings, you still choose to love me every day, and I can't thank you enough for that. I don't deserve you, but God has blessed me with you anyway-- I am immensely grateful for that. Thank you for being the man that you are. I am so glad to have had these 18 months with you as your girlfriend, fiancee, and now your wife, and I'm looking forward to a lifetime more with you. Love you. :) <3

Forgiveness and Resentment.

You know, it's crazy how thin the line between forgiveness and resentment/bitterness can be. One minute I feel as though I have forgiven those people in my past who have hurt me, and the next... I'm feeling resentful and angry.

About a year ago, I was deeply hurt by a few people. I knew that I had done wrong in the situation, and I tried apologizing for it... but it was of no use. I desperately wanted (and still want) reconciliation to take place, but it never happened, and it was painfully obvious that it was not desired from the other side.

Even though it was a year ago, I still have a lot of pain from that situation. I have tried forgetting about it and moving on, but it's not that simple. I want to just forgive all those people who hurt me and hurt me on purpose, but it's not easy. Through those people's accusations of my character, I have had to wrestle through a lot of questions and doubts about who I am and who Christ sees me to be. I constantly question now my abilities to do ministry and to get along with others in ministry, and I question my motivations for doing the things that I do.

Though I do not question or doubt myself as much as I did right after everything happened, the pain is still evident. I have had some people in my life wonder why I can't just forget about it and move on, and why I'm holding on to it. The truth is... I don't know either. I desperately want to be free of these doubts and I want to have confidence in the abilities and talents that God has given me, but it feels almost impossible to do that.

I am the type of person that just wants to "fix" things. I want to fix everything that I've done wrong to anyone, and I almost always feel as though it's up to me to make things right, because I'm normally in the wrong (at least that's how I tend to look at it). I feel so great when the other person wants reconciliation as well, and I have had wonderful friendships blossom from those times of reconciliation. However... Feeling as though it is on me to fix everything tends to blow up in my face when the other person is not interested in any kind of reconciliation whatsoever. I beat myself up thinking that I have done something so bad to not even deserve forgiveness or reconciliation, and that because of my stupid behavior, I have lost the opportunity to make things right and be forgiven.

But the truth is... that is ALL a lie. I am not expected to in a sense humiliate myself and beg for mercy from others, but rather I am to do my part in apologizing for my share in the situation and asking for forgiveness. After that... I'm off the hook. If I have gone into my apology with the right attitude and truly desire forgiveness and reconciliation, then that's all that is expected of me. No more, no less.

This is why I love the book of Romans. So often I think that if I don't try hard enough, if I don't apologize to others and to God enough, then I'm going to lose credibility and I'm either no longer going to be loved or I'm going to be judged and condemned. But this isn't true. Though humans may fail me and may withhold forgiveness from me, my God will never do that. He calls me to do what I can in order to make things right, but no matter what, He will still love me. I don't need to go crazy trying to please everyone and make them happy with me - because the fact is, if I do everything that I need to do and they still won't forgive me, the responsibility for the situation no longer lies with me.

Too bad it's so stinking hard to remember that... But I DO need to remember Romans 12:18 which says, "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all." If I have done everything I can in order to live peaceably with others, then that's all that I have to do. I can also take great comfort in knowing that even if I'm not forgiven by people or by my fellow believers, I have been forgiven by my God:

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God." (Romans 5:1-2)

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1)

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)

Yes, I am a wretched sinner. Yes, I make stupid mistakes all the time and I don't treat people as well as I should. But I do know that I desire to make things right, and even if those things don't occur, I don't need to harbor resentment toward the other person or even believe that I haven't done enough to make the other person happy. Though I have been deeply hurt by these people, I don't need to be resentful or bitter toward them. I can forgive them, because that is exactly what Christ has done for me. They are fellow believers and fellow companions on this journey of life. Even(or maybe especially) if they are not believers, then it becomes that much more important that I forgive them and show them mercy and kindness - because that is what my Savior did for me.

There is such a huge part of me that wants to just do the same thing that those people did to me and refuse forgiveness. However, I know that this is the opposite of showing Christ's love to them. As much as my fleshly nature wants to harbor judgment and resentment toward them, I know that I need to forgive them and love them unconditionally. No, it's honestly not easy, and I'm probably going to really suck at it. But it's what God has called me to do, and maybe... just maybe... one day I will be able to move on from this and the pain will begin to decrease.

I know that this is a lesson that God will use to work in me for the rest of my life, and I know that I'm going to mess up so many times that I may not even be able to count them. But the beauty of it is... I am still forgiven. And thus, I must forgive others. No matter what.

Apartment and Life Together.

Well, I'm a day late in updating about our apartment, but I hope my readers will forgive me for that (all 2 of you) :).

So, right now we're living in one of the suburbs of Minneapolis, and we are just loving it. We are 20 minutes from downtown, 15 minutes away from the Mall of America, and what makes it all amazing is that it doesn't FEEL like we're close to a city! Living in Chicago, you would have to travel really far in order to feel like you're actually in nature and not part of the city. But here... well, here it's just awesome. There are parks and lakes everywhere (no, really. It's not called the land of a thousand lakes for nothing!), and just 15 minutes away there is a HUGE park where the river flows and there is an AMAZING waterfall! Eric took me there for our date a couple weeks ago, and it was so awesome. I kept telling him that I couldn't believe we lived so close to something so beautiful, because in CO you have to travel to the mountains in order to see something as cool as that.

As far as our apartment goes, I love that too. :) It's so cozy and nice, and I'm really excited to finish decorating it. We're almost there, which is really nice. We just need to pick up a few things and then put pictures on the walls. Our guest room isn't going to be ready anytime soon, but that'll definitely be a longer project that we do together at some point when we're not busy (which won't be happening anytime in the near future). Here are some pictures of our apartment for you guys. :)

Isn't it so cute? :) And I'm SO glad that we had an accent wall painted before we moved in. It makes things feel even nicer and homey. They did that for free too, which was really cool. We can have accent walls painted for a low cost in any of our rooms as well, so we might do that at some point to our bedroom and guest room. We have a BEAUTIFUL view out our porch as well, if you couldn't tell. There are also walking trails around the property, which is really cool considering we're literally right on the highway. I can hear the highway all the time, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. It makes me feel like I'm in Chicago again, and I'm okay with that. After living there for so long I really got used to hearing noises all the time, so it's really strange (and eerie) for me when I don't hear anything at all. Plus, it's incredibly convenient to live right on the highway as well - it makes it SO much easier to get to everything! I'm really enjoying our location. It has been really nice so far. We have a grocery store that is, at the most, 3 minutes away from us, and the place where I get my hair cut is the same distance as well. We have a gas station with reasonable gas prices (2 stations, actually) right on our block, and we have multiple restaurants right by us.

So... on to what our life actually looks like together. It's definitely busy and we're running around all the time, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Marriage just fits us. We had such a difficult time with our long-distance relationship, and now that we're married.... it just works. It's like we were supposed to get married or something. ;) But really... it's great. We're really enjoying being together. Eric works a lot which is sometimes frustrating, but definitely understandable. And with all our bills and payments that we have to make, it's a good thing that he's working as much as he is - we need the money! (Doesn't everybody?)

I also got a full-time job, which I am INCREDIBLY grateful for! I am a barista at Caribou Coffee, and I couldn't be happier. I've always wanted to work at a coffee shop, and I'm thrilled to have the opportunity to do so. It has definitely been a challenge to get used to it and learn everything that I need to, but I'm hoping that soon I'll get the hang of it and things will just come naturally. I know what some of you may be thinking: But what are your plans for a long-term career?

...Honestly... I don't really have any. And I'm okay with that. I was just recently asked by someone at church when I told them where I was working what my long-term goals were (really nice guy, but definitely a business man) and I felt bad at first for being so excited to work at Caribou. However, once I started thinking about it, I realized that it doesn't really matter what I'm doing. I'm loving what I do, and that's what matters. I make decent money, I get awesome benefits, and Caribou is an amazing company to work for. I couldn't be happier. And who knows... maybe one day I'll be able to work for corporate! Now THAT would be really cool. :)

So, I DO have daydreams about things that I could do one day, but it's really all in God's hands. I am completely content with where He has placed me right now (which actually took a while, so I'm thrilled that I'm at that place now), and I'm looking forward to seeing what He has in store for me here. God is good, and I know that His plans are better than any that I could have for myself. So... because this opportunity for Caribou opened so easily, I walked through it without any reservations or regrets, because I know without a doubt that it came from Him.

Well, this ended up being a really long post. I'm sure I'll update you all again in the very near future on our life and what's going on. Love you!

It's Almost Here!

14 days to go til the wedding, and I'm soooo anxious for it to get here (good anxious, that is). I met with my dear friend Amy last night, and I told her how I'm just ready for the wedding to be over with. Not that I'm not excited for it (which I completely am), but I'm just ready to start my life with Eric and be done with long-distance forever.

Last Saturday we said our last goodbye, and even though I would normally cry over us being separated for 2 1/2 weeks, neither of us cried when I went through airport security because we were so happy that it was the last time he would be taking me to the airport without coming with me. It was such a good feeling, and I'm so looking forward to saying hello to him on June 6th and knowing that it's permanent. From that point on, being together will be normal, and being apart will be abnormal, instead of the other way around, which it is right now.

Even though it's incredibly daunting, I'm SO excited to start living life with Eric. I know that it's going to be in a new state for me, I don't really have friends yet and I don't know the people he knows nearly as well as he does, but all that really matters is that we'll be together and we'll be trusting God together. I'm so thrilled that God is allowing this to happen, and can't wait for everything to finally start.

14 days until the wedding day, and I'm SO thrilled. Things are definitely getting done and plans are coming together. Thankfully next week I have a bunch of things to do, so the week should go fairly quickly and then before you know it, Eric will be with me and we'll be finishing plans together! What a blessing....

Thank you ALL for your prayers and support for Eric and me. We've been so confident going into this marriage because we have had nothing but positive feedback from all of our trusted friends and family. We know that this is exactly where God is leading us, and while it's a little scary to think about living with one person for the rest of our lives, we're really excited about it. :) We know that there will definitely be ups and downs, but we know that God is good and He will get us through it.

I will definitely be updating more as the wedding gets closer and we do more things to get ready, but don't look for an update or pictures from the wedding until after the honeymoon, because I will be in Florida and DisneyWorld with my husband, livin' it up and not worrying about anything else! :)

Love you all! <3

2 Weeks and Counting.

Oh, how I wish that 2 weeks was the number of weeks until my wedding. But... it's not. However, it IS the number of weeks until I graduate from Moody! Wow... I can't believe that. I'm almost a college graduate. How did that happen? Freshman year in Spokane feels like it was just yesterday, and here I am, four years later, 21 and engaged, about to graduate. Where did the time go? What have I learned since being here at Moody?

I don't think that's an easy question to answer. And I don't even know if I can answer it right now. It's going to take time. It's going to take processing through things and the situations that I've encountered. What I do know is how I've royally screwed up in these last four years. How I have made so many blunders and mistakes it's hard to count them all. But I have also seen the hand and grace of God in my life through all of it. No matter what I do, no matter what I say, He will always accept me back with loving arms and will not condemn me for my imperfections. What do I even say to that? How do I begin to thank Him for all He has done for me?

The cool thing about God is... I don't have to. It's not a requirement. God isn't going to tell me that I mean anything less to Him or that I'm not doing enough to thank Him for everything He's given me. It's not about that. It's about His pure grace toward me, and because of His love, I am compelled to live my life in such a way that glorifies and magnifies His name, and His name alone.

I don't know exactly what lies ahead for me. I know I'm getting married and moving to Minnesota with my hubby, but that's about it. I could freak out about it, and I definitely have in the past. But the beauty of it all is that God has never failed to provide for my needs. Even when I don't feel like He's providing enough... He is. And abundantly so. Though it will be very easy in the future to worry about finances, friends, and everything else in life, I know that I can trust my God in any and all circumstances, that He knows what He's doing, and He has my best interests at heart.

I love my Lord. And I want to spend my whole life serving Him because He has been so good to me.

The Suffering of God.

On this cold, dreary, and snowy afternoon, I thought it might be beneficial to curl up with my computer and blanket, and crank out a nice blog.

In Biblical Theology of Suffering on Monday, we discussed the debate of whether God suffers or not. This went along with the book we have been reading, Where is the God of Justice?. This is a simple, yet very enlightening book that discusses so many aspects of suffering, including the idea of whether or not God suffer. Dr. Andrew Schmutzer was the professor who taught this lesson, and it was so interesting.

In our book, the author, Warren McWilliams, discusses the debate between whether or not God suffers with His creation. He declares that God is a suffering God, and that it is only because He suffers with us that He can actually help us. He inserted a quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffer, which said,

God lets himself be pushed out of the world on the cross. He is weak and powerless in the world, and that is precisely the way, the only way in which he is with us and helps us. ...The Bible directs us to God's powerlessness and suffering; only the suffering God can help.

The fact of God suffering does not mean that He is in any way weak or unable to cope with things. Dr. Schmutzer put it very well when he said in class that unlike human beings, God's suffering does not make Him undone. Instead, it spurs Him into action and He is able to work in the situation. He does not allow Himself to be struck down by suffering, but rather He uses it in order to help and understand His people.

So what does this mean for us? If God really suffers, how does that affect our relationship with Him? In Dr. Schmutzer's view, there are 5 implications for the Christian and either our lives or our perspectives of God:

1. "If God is truly involved in the lives of people, if he actually enters into and acts within time and history, and most of all, if he does so as the God of love, then such a God must, by necessity, experience suffering." - Thomas G. Weinandy, Does God Suffer?
2. God's suffering can be expressed more as empathetic participation than mere sympathetic identification.
3. God's love is not reckless or need-based, shot through with self-seeking and anxiety - God's emotion does not incapacitate him. While God does not suffer against his will, he does voluntarily expose himself to suffering.
4. The theology of creation affirms that God remains in and with the contingent, the other-than-God - the world in its nature as world, and humankind in its autonomous but finite creaturliness.
5. For people who have faced comprehensive traumas such as: starvation, domestic violence, rape, sexual abuse, and torture, there is a very practical aspect of clinging to a God who suffers-with.

This is huge. In the midst of intense suffering, we can be sure that God suffers with us, and not only sympathizes with our condition, but He knows exactly what is going on, and feels the pain just as we do. While He is not incapacitated, He still feels our emotions and is filled deeply with compassion for us, and this spurs Him on to help us.

Praise Him that we have a God who loves us enough to do that! Who are we, the sinful race that we are, to deserve something so great as that! His love overflows and abounds for us, even though we are wicked and depraved, deserving nothing.

Praise Him all creatures here below.

My First Love.

Upon hearing that title, you'd probably think that I would be devoting this post to Eric. However, that's not true. As much as I love Eric and am thrilled to be spending the rest of my life with him, he is not my first love. I so often forget that, and I wish I wouldn't. My first love is my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Without Him, I am nothing.

So often I get caught up in my day-to-day life, and I just forget about my Love. I forget to talk to Him, forget to read His Word, forget to thank Him for the grace He's given me in my life. It's so true when the Bible says if we draw near to God, then He will draw near to us. If I'm being honest, I would say that in recent weeks, it has been rare for me to meet with my Lord one-on-one and really devote a good amount of time with Him. Because of that, I have seen myself growing dry and hungry. My spiritual food and drink wasn't there. In the past couple of days though, I have tried to go back into the routine of meeting with Him, and I can't even explain to you the difference that I have seen in my life. While it sucks to see sin in my life revealed to me, the fullness of meeting with my Savior is incomparable.

He is my Love. He is the One who rescued me from the pit and loved me enough to call me His child. There is no way that I could ever deserve this love, grace, and mercy that He has given to me. Who am I, that He should be mindful of me? I am but a speck of dust, here today and gone tomorrow. In the grand scheme of things in this world, I am nothing. The world definitely doesn't revolve around me, and really doesn't care that I'm here. (For explanation, I know that I have people in my life who care about me. I'm referring to the world in general). But yet here is my Lord, who came down from heaven as a man, died, and was resurrected for the sins of the whole world. And even if it was only for me, if I was the only sinner on earth, He would have still come down. That just boggles my mind, and I don't deserve it at all. Yet through my constant turning from Him, He is still there, and still ready and willing to welcome me back with open arms. I will never do too much against Him that He will stop loving me. His love is unconditional, which also makes it unfathomable. I am saved, and not because of my own doing, but simply because... He Loves Me.

Great is the Lord, and worthy of glory

Great is the Lord, and worthy of praise

Great is the Lord, now lift up your voice

Now lift up your voice

Great is the Lord

Goodbye, 2010. Helloo, 2011.

So, it's New Year's Eve. 2010 went so quickly, that's for sure. It's definitely been an interesting and eventful year. I began the year meeting a wonderful friend who introduced me to the man who is now the love of my life. I finished out my Junior year of college and went to DisneyWorld, did my internship in Minnesota, started my Senior year, got engaged, became an aunt, got sick and haven't been able to finish my first semester, and now here we are. I've done well in classes, done poor in classes, done some things right and some things very wrong.

I think this has been a year where I have made, or at least noticed that I've made, some of the biggest mistakes of my life. I have been mean and rude to people, I have said and done things that I shouldn't have, and through it all.... God has been good. He is incredibly good to me, and I have been blessed beyond measure. This past semester especially, I have realized what amazing people God has placed in my life. No matter what happens, no matter what stupid things I do, no matter how sick I get, I know that God is looking out for me, and He has the best plans for my life. He is so good and merciful to me through all of the situations that I absolutely mess up all the time.

I'm ending this year with some regrets, but ultimately knowing that even though I am messed up beyond measure, God has saved me and He is sanctifying me, no matter how long it's taking and how little of steps I have to take.

And now... I look forward. 2011 is coming, and it is a year that I have been waiting for for a long time. It's the year that I graduate college, and more importantly, it's the year that I get married. I am so ready to be out of school, and I am so absolutely in love with Eric Pegors, and I am so excited to becoming Bethany Pegors. :) Bethany Pegors.... I like that. It has a nice ring to it. I'm so excited to be a wife and to live in Minnesota with my husband with our own place.

I'm looking forward to learning what God has to teach me about Himself in the coming year. I'm sure it's going to be a challenging year, especially next semester -- taking 18 credits when I'm just ready to be done, working, and planning my wedding at the same time. I've never been a person to shy away from what's difficult though, so I will face this year head-on, knowing that I have a God who loves me unconditionally, will never leave me, and is incredibly merciful toward me, and a wonderful fiancé -- soon to be husband -- who will be with me no matter what, through thick and thin, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health.

I thank God already for 2011, and for the blessings that I already know He's given and is going to give to me. And no matter what happens, He is in control, and He knows what He's doing.

As far as New Year's resolutions go, I don't think I'm going to make any. I have plenty enough that I have to do for the wedding: guest list, save-the-dates, invitations, cake flavors, flowers, music, lose weight, etc. etc. If I tried to do anything else, I think I'd go crazy. I'll have plenty of new experiences to keep me occupied this whole year, so I think I'm going to just be satisfied with that.

So, 2011, I welcome you with open arms. Let's make this year a fun one. :)

Health Again and Reflections.

Well, I'm starting to feel better. Praise God. I had some pain last night, but not nearly as much as the other night, and 3 Tylenol definitely did the trick and I slept all night. I hope this is the beginning of getting healthy again. This past week with all of this going on has been horrible.

For all of you who don't know, I went to the emergency room yesterday. Multiple people told me that I should go, so even though I didn't want to, I decided it would probably be safer to go. Unfortunately however, the labs came back inconclusive. *sigh* That's really frustrating to me. One of the doctors (an intern) just wrote me off and didn't see it as a big deal at all. He was a really strange doctor, too. I think at the very beginning he was trying to flirt with me, but then I think he saw my engagement ring (thank you, Eric. Among other things -obviously-, I love the fact that you save me from creepy guys). Then he became serious and explained things well to me, but then at the end he acted as if I was overreacting and nothing was really wrong with me. Oh well, I guess. One positive thing is that he did say that the place where I have my main pain is not a "dangerous" place medically. A lot of people have pain there, and it ends up going away through Tylenol and other things. He did say that it could very well be a small ulcer, so he suggested I continue taking Zantac, Tylenol, and then add Maalox (yuck). So, nothing has been discovered about what's wrong with me, but at least I'm feeling better. Let's just pray that it continues.

Now on to my reflections. As the semester has pretty much ended for me (I'm getting extensions on all my finals and assignments), I've been looking back at what an eventful semester this has been. Eric and I have been engaged for over 2 months already. At first it seemed like it would take forever for the end of the semester to get here, but now that I look back, it really flew by. I hoping I feel the same way about second semester, so then he and I can finally be married. I say "finally" facetiously and seriously because even though we haven't even been together for a year yet, I'm ready to marry my best friend. I don't want to wait anymore. Alas, I guess this is the place we're in, so I need to be somewhat content and deal with it.

One thing I've been realizing through looking back on the semester is this: I am incredibly blessed. And I almost always take it for granted. I have a family who loves me, and now we have a wonderful new addition (my nephew), and my family is going to definitely grow in June when I gain a whole other side to my relatives. I have a man who loves me deeply, and I don't always see that clearly because of my selfishness. He's so good to me, and I'm... well, I'm just me. I don't deserve him, that's for sure. I am blessed beyond anything that I could imagine. I have wonderful friends who love me, and are willing to take care of me when I'm feeling like crap. Annie Bolger has been absolutely amazing to me in the past few days. She drove me to the hospital, stayed with me while I was in the emergency room, and make me cream of wheat after we got back from the hospital.

Yes, I'm very blessed. I don't deserve anything that my wonderful God has given me. He loves me unconditionally, even though I am a wretched sinner, and I do not take nearly enough time to thank Him for that. He is so good to me. I really need to learn how to be more grateful to Him and to others. Instead, I normally just tend to focus on myself.

I'm looking forward to the start of a new year in 3 weeks. It'll be nice to start fresh, and look forward to so many new things in the months ahead. Graduation, getting married, moving to Minnesota, (maybe) getting a house, being a youth pastor's wife, getting a new job, and starting a new life. It's going to be wonderful, and I'm so excited to start it all with my best friend, knowing that our focus is on Christ and on His plan for our lives.

God is good, all the time.

And all the time, God is good.

Health Issues.

Oh boy. I really hate having UC, and not being the healthiest that I could be. But.... I need to remember that God has a plan and He's in control of everything.

For the past few days, I've been having intense stomach pains, and the first day I was bleeding. I'm really not sure exactly what's going on, but I really appreciate everyone who has been praying, and I want to ask for prayers from everyone else. I think it started as a flare-up of my UC, but now it's something else. Right now I'm thinking that it's actually an ulcer. This, even though it sucks, would actually be welcome as opposed to the alternatives, which could either be that I'm having a really bad flare-up and thus would need to go to the hospital, or I'm lactose intolerant, and it's taking forever to get out of my system. It would make sense for it to be an ulcer as well, because since I have UC I am prone to getting ulcers. I haven't had one in the 14 years I've had this disease, so maybe it's just time that I had one. Buh.... Not fun.

I talked with my doctor, and he just told me to take Zantac until it gets better, so that's what I'm going to do. I'm really praying that this is what it is, and it will get better with just powerful antacids. I really don't want to go to the hospital....

I'm at a point where I'm really trying to see God's purpose in all of this. I hate being sick, and I've been able to live a relatively normal life, but it's times like these when I really feel like I don't know why God put me into this situation. It's been nice however to continue finding out other people who have this disease or know someone else who has it. It really makes me see that I'm not alone in it.

Thanks again for the prayers, everyone. I really appreciate it. Please be praying that I start feeling well enough that I'll be able to do well on my finals this coming week, and that the 8-hour drive to MN won't be torture for me on Wednesday. Thanks, guys.