Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Beyond Good and Evil

I just recently wrote a paper for my philosophy class, and I thought that I would post it on here. It's on Friedrich Nietzsche's essay "Beyond Good and Evil."

In Nietzsche's essay, "Beyond Good and Evil," he discusses the differences between "slave morality" and "master morality." In the way that he writes, he leads the reader to believe that he views the aristocracy as the real evil. However, he reveals in the end of his essay that he believes slaves and Christianity to be the real evil, because they induce pity into the human race. Nietzsche believed that pity is the most harmful vice because it creates weakness in human and "makes suffering contagious and under certain conditions it may cause a total loss of life and vitality out of all proportion to the magnitude of the cause."

Though Nietzsche makes well thought out points about slave morality versus master morality, it seems strange that when he does not mention Christianity at any other point in his essay that he should mention it at the very end. It seems as though he is just wanting to place Christianity in a poor light instead of logically presenting a case as to why Christianity is the religion of pity. He makes this argument, but does not have evidence for it. He makes a strong case as to why pity makes the human race weak, but does not give a reason as to why Christianity creates pity in the individual. Nietzsche here is using the "straw man" fallacy, which is presenting an incorrect view of the opposing argument. If he were to continue talking about Christianity in this manner, then he would need evidence in order to make his argument credible. However he does not have solid evidence as to why Christianity is the most harmful vice, therefore he cannot be seen as an authoritative source on this issue.

Nietzsche also seems to be making a generalization in saying that all of Christianity creates pity. He seems to say that all Christians are weak. But how can he know this? How can he take a survey of every Christian who has ever lived, and who will ever live? There have been many strong Christians who have walked this planet. Now it may be true that Christianity creates some amount of weakness within the human beings who are outside of that relationship with Christ. As Nietzsche was not a believer, he could not say from personal experience within the realm of Christianity that it weakens the individual.

For those who are outside the faith, it is very possible that they could feel weakened because of the depressing effect that the reality of their eternal destination presents. They may not consciously know that this is what they are feeling, but it is true nonetheless because 2 Corinthians 2:15-16 declares, "For we are the aroma of Christ to God among those who are perishing, to one a fragrance from death to death, to the other a fragrance form life to life." Through the truths in this passage, it is obvious that those who are outside of the Christian faith will not have a positive outlook on Christianity itself. It is only when God begins to work in their hearts that they see Christianity for what it really is.

Another point that Nietzsche discusses is that he believes that the aristocracy is the real "good," and the salves the "evil." He believes that just as Christianity creates weakness and pity in the individual, so does the position of the slaves. Nietzsche declares that the first sign of slave "revolt" is resentment. He says that this is a "resentment experienced by creatures who, deprived as they are of the proper outlet of action, are forced to find their compensation in an imaginary revenge." He says that unlike the aristocracy, the slaves have to find objectivity outside of themselves. He views the aristocracy as having an innate sense of morality because of their position, but the slaves must find it elsewhere.

Again, one must wonder where Nietzsche achieves his information. He has the experience of being in the aristocracy, which makes it convenient for him to believe that the aristocracy are the real moral ones. As the essay comes to a close, he finally defines his definition of good, which is "All that enhances the feeling of power, the Will to Power, and the power itself in man." Therefore, because of this definition, it can only be the aristocracy that has real morality.

When a Christian reads this, it is read through the filtered lens of God's Word which has several accounts of leaders who do not follow God and are corrupted by their power. First of all, no human being can be really "good" according to the Scriptures, unless he is saved by Jesus Christ. Secondly, a leader or an aristocrat definitely cannot be "good" if he does not look to God and give God the glory for the blessings that he has received but thinks that his success is all of his own doing. However, many people in today's society believe the same way that Nietzsche does because people everywhere do whatever they can to gain more prestige, more fame, more money, and more power. If someone can climb the ladder of success quickly and climb it to the top, they are looked upon with jealousy, and are looked at as truly "happy" and accomplished. This is an attitude that must be changed through the spreading of God's Word and people beginning to have a knowledge that they can never truly be happy and successful without the grace of God and His work in their lives. It will be a slow process, but God has called Christians to do this very thing in changing the attitudes, because it becomes an outlet to sharing His Gospel message with those in the aristocratic and self-sufficient positions.


**DISCLAIMER** - This post is regarding my previous blog, so if you have not read that blog, I suggest you do so before looking at this. Thanks. :)


So, I am really happy about the amount of responses that my previous blog received. It has been so good to know that it has sparked discussions with all sorts of different people! I'm very pleased. However, there are just two clarifications and "admittances" (?) that I want to make after hearing comments and views about my blog.

1. This first one is just for clarification. I have had a few people approach me about my comment saying that people who struggle with masturbation and sexual sin can still be in ministry. I did not fully clarify what I meant there, so let me do that now. If the person who is struggling with that sin is taking practical measures to rectify the situation and knows that it is a sin, then they can still be in ministry. However, they may not be able to be in a leadership position. On the other hand, if a person is going through that sin but does not think that it matters and continues to do it without thinking anything of it, then that person definitely should not be any part of ministry. They need to sort out their own relationship with God before they can minister to anyone else.

2. I asked the question in my blog about why sexual sin is put more at the forefront than other sins, and I have to say that even though I do not believe it is more evil than any sin, there is special emphasis put on it. In 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 it says:

"Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body."

As this passage clearly states, emphasis is put on sexual sin because it is committed against your own body and is not outside the body like all the other sins. Do I still know for sure whether or not masturbation is a sin? No. But I did get some views that make sense about the Scripture that says to flee from any hint of sexual immorality. Since there is no assurance that one can masturbate without thinking about sexual things, then that behavior still needs to be fled from and not even attempted. If there is even a chance that sin could occur in the process, then it is best to just leave it alone and not even mess with it.

Saturday, April 25, 2009


**DISCLAIMER** This blog is not your typical blog. It is very controversial, because it is about sex and masturbation. Yes, I know. Please cue the gasps and judgments. But please hear me out: This is a topic that is very hush-hush in the Christian community, which is a huge shame. Yes, there needs to be some discretion that goes with talking about this subject, but most people avoid it all together. I do not think this is a right way to handle it at all, which is why I am writing about it. I am taking my time writing this blog, because I want to be able to communicate things clearly and offend as few people as possible, but if at the end of this you are still offended, then I apologize. But this subject and the way that it is treated within Christian circles is something that I am really passionate about, and I really want to discuss what I have learned and what I believe on this topic. I am not claiming to be an authority on this, but I do desire to bring this topic into the open so that people can think on it and decide between themselves and God what is right. It is not directly talked about in Scripture, and therefore we do not know exactly what God believes about it. All we can do is bring the issues to the front and let people know what is going on in order to help them understand this matter.

Also, this blog is written with the assumption that other believers in Christ will read it, so it is directed toward the maturing Christian in their walk with God.

And let me say this: TALKING about sex is not a sin. If it causes someone to sin then it should not be talked about or the person should not be engaged in that situation. If sex is discussed in a Godly manner with God being at the focus and it is not discussed in a demeaning way, then there is nothing wrong with it. However, if the subject causes you to stumble, then I would suggest not reading this blog. Go back to facebook, myspace, or go check your email and forget about this blog.


All my life I have heard people say that sex is a good thing, but it is something that you should not experience or even desire before marriage. Now. I want to make myself clear right away and say that I believe that sexual intimacy with any other human being outside of marriage is adultery and lust, and therefore a sin. However. I will be completely honest in saying that I am a VERY sexually minded human being. If that offends anyone, I apologize, but I must be open and honest. So for me to hear that I should not desire sex before marriage is a very difficult thing for me, and for a long time it made me feel a huge sense of shame. Every time something would make me a little bit aroused, I would feel as though I were sinning (that is if I was not in the process of lusting) and therefore I would feel so shamed and guilty because of it. Growing up, I HATED the fact that I was so sexually oriented. I wanted nothing more than to stop feeling the way I felt, because even the littlest of things would get me going. I would pray fervently that God would take it away, and He would help me not to feel that way, because I felt as if I were going out of control and was falling deep into sin. He never took it away, so I began to feel more and more shame because of it.

This is the effect that many Christian speakers and teachers have had on me. And it has only been recently - and I admit to sin in the process - that I have come to realize that shame does not need to be felt for having the desire for sex.

God created sex. Sex is a GOOD thing. Have I ever experienced what it is like with another person? No, I have not. I am firmly committed to waiting till marriage, because I know that this is biblical. However, this is where the topic of masturbation comes in. Which, interestingly, is even more of a hush-hush subject than sex is. Sex is beginning to be talked about more within the Christian community, but masturbation remains very hidden. Even as I attend Moody Bible Institute, I walk around the campus and start building friendships with people just to see them acting as if they would never do something like that, and they are completely pure with no issues whatsoever.

My heart begins to hurt when I see this happening, because those who are really burdened by their struggles have nowhere to turn because they will feel judged and looked down upon for struggling with (*gasp*) sexual sin! This infuriates me. Why do we put such an emphasis on sexual sin and make it out to be worse than any other kind of sin? We judge those who have sex outside of marriage and those who masturbate regularly and think of them as horrible people when we as fellow believers lie, cheat, steal, and focus on other things instead of Christ. These things are JUST as bad as sexual sin! God does not rate sin. It is ALL abhorrent in his sight.

However, the question still remains of whether or not masturbation is a sin. I have been researching both sides, and I have come to the conclusion that we do not really know. I told you I was not going to be an authority on the subject. :) I think that this may be an area where one needs to choose between good, better, and best. Obviously we as Christians know that God wants the best, correct? We want to know that we are choosing the best path for our lives and that we are allowing God to direct our paths. Now. I have heard many arguments for and against masturbation:

"You're allowed to feel good before marriage."
"Masturbation is putting pleasure before God."
"It's not bad if you don't lust during masturbation."
"Masturbation can ruin your future marriage."
"If it feels good, it should be okay. Besides, you're not doing it with anyone else."
"It's a form of homosexuality."
"It's unhealthy to completely deprive yourself of sexual pleasure."

I have heard these arguments and more regarding this issue, and I understand both sides of the debate. However, I now stand by my position that I am to follow God's best for my life. What is God's best, exactly? While I cannot say for everyone what God's best may be for them, I believe that God does intensely desire for us to put Him first and put Him above any other desire that we may have, because He wants to be our fulfillment. Now let me be completely honest in saying that I tried desperately to find some kind of justification for masturbation so that I could say it was not a bad thing - in fact, I started this blog as an attempt to say that it is completely okay. However, through prayer and research, I have found little to say that masturbation is the best for my Christian walk. This is because when it takes place, it is telling God that He cannot fulfill my needs and take care of me. Only I can take care of myself.

Obviously because I am such a sexual person I long to one day be married and experience that with another person. However, I very often become impatient and want to already have that experience without thinking about the consequences. Do I know for certain if it will affect my marriage in the future? No. But obviously people who are already married have wisdom on this matter, and I think that it is important to seek Godly wisdom from those who are willing to give it. My question is though, why risk the possibility of my masturbation now damaging my marriage in the future? I do not think that the act is worth the risk.

Like I said before, I started this blog wanting to prove that masturbation is allowed and even healthy. However, as I dove deeper into the topic, I could not explain away all the evidence that though it may be permissible because it is not directly outlined in Scripture, it is not necessarily beneficial. The ESV translation of 1 Corinthians 6:12 says this: "All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful." I also like the NIV translation that says, "Everything is permissible for me, but not everything is beneficial." Though masturbation may technically be permissible because it is not directly talked about in Scripture, I now do not believe that it is helpful or beneficial to the Christian's lifestyle. Can a Christian still participate in ministry if they are struggling with masturbation and sexual sin? Yes. Our weaknesses do not exclude us from being part of ministry. However, this depends on the attitude of the one involved, and no one can know the attitude apart from the individual and God Himself.

The way I see it is that masturbation takes my own desires for pleasure and puts them above my faith in Jesus Christ. I am telling Him that He is not enough, and that I cannot wait for His timing to bring someone into my life to experience that with. Does that mean that I am not going to fall and I am not going to have an intensely strong desire occasionally or even often? No. Does it mean that I am going to judge others who believe that it is completely okay for Christians to engage in? Definitely not. I know that this is a gray area that not every believer believes the same about, and I am okay with that. I believe that committed Christians will take this matter to God and will be able to decide what is best.

Fellow believers, please remember this: we are not living for ourselves. We serve a Being that is higher than anything and anyone else, and He deserves everything from us. So decide between yourselves and God if participating in the action is living to please yourself or not. I do not have authority to say yes or no, but what I do know is that God has convicted me on numerous occasions recently by showing me that my actions indicate that I do not trust Him. And this includes other areas of life as well.

Christians, I will be vulnerable and open to you in saying that I have struggled with sexuality and sexual sin my entire life, and it is still part of my struggle today. I used to feel so condemned, judged, and shamed because of this. But we all have our different weaknesses and struggles in our journey to sanctification, and we need to be open and understanding to everyone's struggles, no matter what it is. The Church has become way too judgmental - myself definitely included. It is time that we stopped doing that and we became what we were meant to be, which is members of the same body, working together and taking care of one another. Let us not forget that, because it is of utmost importance.

I know that my admittance to struggling with this may come as a shock to some of you, but I have no desire to hide my weaknesses. I will boast in my weaknesses so that it may be evident to all that I have been changed and transformed by the grace of God working in my life, and I am not a servant of the flesh, but I am a servant of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. As I work toward holiness in my own journey of sanctification, I long to encourage others who may be going through the same issues that I have gone through and am going through at the present time. None of us is perfect. NONE. However, there are way too many Christians out there who put on a front that says that they have everything together and they do not struggle with any sins. This is a heartbreaking attitude that must change. Therefore, let us strive to build up the body of Christ by being open and vulnerable to one another and rather than rejecting those who struggle, let us accept them with loving arms and encourage them as they strive for holiness just as much as we do.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Bearing One Another's Burdens.

I have only three weeks left in my sophomore year of college! Goodness gracious. Starting next semester, everything is going to be full speed ahead and I'm going to be on the track to graduate. Wow, am I really almost an upperclassman? That's so crazy to think about. I can't believe I've already been in college for two years. The time has really flown by.

But that's not what this post is about. This post is about something I've been thinking a lot about lately. I have a friend here who is deeply concerned with the issues going on in his friends' lives. And he's going through his own really cruddy time as well. This person is so selfless that he doesn't even care about his own issues, but wants to reach out to other people in order to help them. I have to say, this is impressive. I know that there are so many times in my life where I am way too focused on myself and my own problems to be worried about other people. But this is not how I should be.

Romans 12:10 says, "Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.

Then in 13 it continues on to say, "Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality."

Is this what have I been doing, or have I been too worried about my own needs to look out for others and make sure that other people are doing okay? And what's interesting is that I hear people tell me time and time again not to worry about them, because their burdens are not mind to bear. But really, the Bible specifically says to "bear one another's burdens"(Galatians 6:2). Am I really being a sister to my fellow believers if I let them just carry their own burdens and I don't do anything to help them? What does this accomplish? No, as brothers and sisters we are encouraged... we are commanded to bear one another's burdens.

This is huge. I think that if we all cared a little more for the needs and concerns of our brothers and sisters, the church as a whole would change dramatically. We would no longer be selfish and self-centered. We would no longer have the animosity and the divisions that we have, but we would be able to live with one another, knowing that we are all walking a journey, and we need others around us. We would have unity in the body of Christ, and we would love each other as we love ourselves (Matthew 22:39).

This is what God wants for us. And I know that I struggle daily with loving others as much or more than myself, because we as humans naturally want to think about "number one." But we are spiritual beings. We are not of this world, and therefore we should set ourselves apart and live as God would have us live. Are we ready to take that step into bearing one another's burdens and honoring each other above ourselves?

I hope so.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Trust Issues.

Wow, last night I had a huge revelation. I have trust issues. I don't trust anything or anyone but myself. And that's a scary thing. When it comes to doing projects or something like that, I don't trust anyone else but myself to get work done, and it when it comes to friendships, I don't trust anyone else to make an effort but myself. I always think that if I don't make the effort, no one else will. And when it comes to God, I definitely have the hardest time trusting Him. It's so difficult to trust Him with everything in my life. What's strange though is that I trust Him with the big things in life, but I don't trust Him with the small things. Well, I trust Him with most of the big things in my life, anyway.

Through talking with a friend last night, I realized that I can tend to come at friendships too aggressively. I know the person a week and I'm already wanting to hang out, talk all the time, and get really deep. But my friend was right. You miss out on things if you go too deeply too quickly. I have to learn how to slow things down and take my time. I don't have to have things happen right away. I don't have to have close friendships develop within two weeks of knowing a person. I just need to chill and relax.

But then I started thinking about it: I don't know how to take a friendship slowly, and that's scary. I'm so used to going so quickly in all of my friendships that I have no idea how to develop it slowly because I've never trusted the other person to reciprocate my attempts in becoming better friends. This person I talked to last night just asked me to trust him. Trust him that he'll develop the friendship at the speed that it's supposed to be, and just to follow his lead. But can I do that? Can I really trust someone besides myself with a friendship? I guess in order to really grow, I'm going to have to. But it's going to be frustrating, and it's going to hurt. I'm going to keep wanting to move faster than I should. I'm going to have to keep moving backwards after I try to run ahead. I know myself. I know that I'm going to continue falling flat on my face. I know that it's going to be really difficult to change my ways since I've done this for so long. It's been a long time since I've really trusted anyone with a friendship because so many people have let me down that I really don't know where to begin.

I want to have lasting friendships, so I guess I'm going to have to start trusting people at some point in time, and it might as well be now. Of course it has to be in the most stressful time of my life, but I guess that's just the way it goes sometimes. I know God will give me strength to get through it all. I'm just not looking forward to it.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Every Single Time.

I feel as though I really live Romans 7:15 which says, "For I do not understand why own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate." This passage goes on to explain how frustrated Paul is that he cannot seem to get things right, and that is exactly how I feel. I want to get things right. I really do. But I find it harder and harder the more I try. It seems as though every single time I try to do things differently and I try to be better, I end up falling flat on my face and just ending up in the exact same position as I was before. This is extremely frustrating and confusing. I want to grow. I want to be a more mature and self-controlled person. But it's like every single time I try to be self-controlled, everything gets so out of control that I have to somehow pick up all the pieces after everything has exploded.

I want to be better. I don't want to be frustrated at myself for doing the very thing I don't want to do every single time I try not to do it. I get sucked in. My mind starts racing and I start to lose my focus on Christ. I veer away so quickly that I don't even know how I do it. And then it hits. I become so absorbed in my situation that I continue to think about it constantly and it absolutely consumes me. I keep telling myself that it's the exact opposite of the place that I want to be, but somehow I cannot seem to pull myself out. I'm stuck in my situation until something happens to either blow up in my face or just completely break my heart. And then I run back to God with my tail between my legs, asking His forgiveness for losing my focus.

This happens every single time, no matter how hard I try to change it and be different. I know that the ending verse has hope in saying, "Who can rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord!" That's an encouragement. But what does it really look like to be rescued by Jesus Christ in our every day situations? Because I don't know about anyone else, but I'll pray for Christ to take me out of the situation, and to help me to do things right, but I still end up falling flat on my face. Am I not trying hard enough? Am I not praying hard enough? I don't know. This is something that I still really need to ponder.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Reflections on an Ordinary Day.

1. I am SO sore. Two workouts that were pretty intense for someone as out of shape as I am does not make my body happy with me.

2. Yes, the SDR is getting rid of the trays. DEAL WITH IT, PEOPLE. On both sides of the issue, just calm down. Gee whiz.

3. I'm so tired.

4. I have 2 philosophy papers to write, a group project for my Contemporary Strategies class to do, and the ZOE event is on Thursday. Oh, the stress.

5. PAMPER NIGHT ON THURSDAY! I'm so excited, but nervous at the same time. I keep thinking that we're going to have a lot of women come, but not very many volunteers... *gulp* Prayer is good. Prayer is very good.

6. I'm going to a passover seder tonight. I'm really excited about it. It should be good.

7. My speech during the Sigma Phi meeting last night changed Andrew Webb's life. Yeah, that's how much of an impact I make when I talk about killing zombies.

Sunday, April 12, 2009


This is a short story that I've been working on for a while now. It's a little graphic at parts, just to forewarn you all. Please let me know what you think.


She looked in the drawer, afraid of what she might find. This drawer held everything from her past. Everything. Movie tickets, pictures of friends, liquor labels, and gifts from a few of her ex-boyfriends. She knew she had to look at them. Everything. But why, God? Can't these things just stay in my past, where they belong?

I want you to see them, my love. And see how I have worked through everything.

She sighed, dropped to her knees, and gingerly opened the drawer. She cringed, as the first thing her eyes came upon was a dvd. Tears started rolling down her face as she remembered with disgust, the night they filmed it. She hadn't wanted to do it. She had told him that it was embarrassing, and humiliating. But he used the line, "If you loved me, you would do this." And so she crumbled and gave in to him. He filmed it all, and would not be satisfied until they had made it perfect. Two weeks later, he gave her the dvd. And now here it sat, swept under the rug. She never wanted to lay her eyes upon this wretched thing ever again. She shook her head as she remembered that fateful day, when he walked up to her and told her that they were finished. It was not a month after they had filmed this movie. She shuddered to think that he may still have his copy. She did not want to know whether or not he still watched it.

I have covered this, my love.

She began to cry. Tears of sorrow, shame, and regret. Unable to hide the pain any longer, she clutched her stomach and let the tears flow freely, uncontrollably. She began to cry aloud, wondering where God was in the most painful time of her life. Times filled with drunken nights, drug fixes, and unspeakable acts.

I was here, the whole time.

The hopelessness started to fill her again, as she remembered those days of complete and utter darkness. How did she ever survive? How did she continue on, without any real purpose or meaning in her life?

Then the tears settled. She began to think on her Savior, and the true hope that He brought her. She had found Him only months ago, at a conference that one of her "religious friends" had brought her to. The passion and the intensity that the praise times held moved her beyond anything she had ever experienced. These people really loved this "God", who had seemingly made no positive impact on her life in the past. Her parents were divorced, her stepfather abused her and her mother, and her older brother committed suicide when she was just eleven. She grew up hating God. She hated everything He stood for. His promises of life were empty. She saw nothing from Him. She looked at Christians with disdain, thinking that all of them grew up in perfect homes with no problems whatsoever.

And then she met Catie, who had a story similar to her own. Except it was worse, much worse. This girl grew up without ever knowing her father and seeing her mother with a new man every week. And every single one of these men abused her and treated her in a way that no one should ever be treated. Then one fateful day one of her mother's ex-boyfriends showed up at the house, gun in hand. He stormed in the house and headed straight for her mother. She covered her eyes as the shots were fired, then felt a surge of pain as the butt of the gun struck her head. The next thing she knew, she was on the floor, waking up hours later to see both her mother and the ex-boyfriend on the floor... dead.

When Catie told her this story, she was amazed at this woman's strength. She cried a few tears, but then a smile formed on her face and said, "I am just so glad that my mom was a Christian. I know I'll see her again. I have hope, Nikki. Immense hope that I will one day be reunited with my mother in heaven. Sure, I could get down on myself and think that I've lived such a hard life, but that's not what God would have me do. I'm standing here before you, healthy. That's enough for me to praise God for the rest of my life."

She just looked at Catie, stunned. She had then asked, "But God took your mother away from you. How could you ever forgive him for that?"

Catie shook her head and smiled. "He didn't take her away. Her ex-boyfriend took her away. I don't think that's the way that God wanted her to go, but he knew that through fallen humanity she would be gone before her time. But I don't blame God at all. God has a purpose through it all, even though I don't know what it is yet. Sure I was mad at Him for a while, but He didn't kill her. Her ex-boyfriend did."

Lying on the floor sorting through this memory, Nikki began to weep. She remembered that day so clearly, because it was the first time she met Him. She asked Catie to pray with her so she could have the same hope. Now she looked up from her prostrate position and saw it: the Bible Catie had given her when she became a believer. She rose and walked to her bedside table, and picked it up. Her tears hit the cover and she wiped them off with her sleeve. Sitting down on the edge of her bed, she opened to a page and read the words that were highlighted. She smiled and laughed when she read the words,

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free."

I have set you free, my love. You are free from your past. You are free from your sins. You no longer have to worry. I have covered them. I love you. You are My child. Rest, dear one.

My Wonderful, Marvelous Jesus.

Thank You Jesus, for Your Sacrifice. Your humility has awed and amazed me. Who am I that You should have died for my sins? I am no one. I don't deserve Your love for one second, yet You gave it anyway. You died to save ME. You died to save those who scorned You and cursed Your name. You loved us when we were the hardest to love and we didn't deserve it at all.

I deserve death. I deserve to be separated from You forever. Yet in Your grace and mercy, you gave me the opportunity to be UNITED with You forever. You are my bridegroom, and I am Your bride. I cannot even comprehend this. It is too wonderful and amazing for me.

Thank You, my Savior. I love you so much, but I know that You love me more than I could ever love You, and that's incredible. You constantly pursue me. You chase after me. You don't let me go, even when I try to let You go, and I run away to pursue my own desires. And then when I come back, You're ready to accept me with open arms. You are more than I could ever imagine, and I want to follow You and worship You all of my days. I want to trust You with my entire life, and I want to always remember that You are in control.

You are perfection, Lord.

You Never Let Go - Matt Redman

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth


Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

(Chorus 2x's)

Friday, April 10, 2009

Good Friday.

Today is Good Friday, and I sit here humbled and amazed at the love of my Savior. Who am I that I should be given the wonderful gift of eternal life? I do not deserve it in the least. I am a sinner who constantly falls flat on her face, yet God forgives me anyway.

Here are some passages I am reflecting on today:

Matthew 27:45-54

Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land until the ninth hour. And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" that is, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" And some of the bystanders, hearing it, said, "This man is calling Elijah." And one of them at once ran and took a sponge, filled it with sour wine, and put it on a reed and gave it to him to drink. But the others said, "Wait, let us see whether Elijah will come to save him." And Jesus cried out again with a loud voice and yielded up His spirit.

And behold, the curtain of the temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. And the earth shook, and the rocks were split. The tombs also were opened. And many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised, and coming out of the tombs after His resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many. When the centurion and those who were with Him, keeping watch over Jesus, saw the earthquake and what took place, they were filled with awe and said, "Truly this was the Son of God!"

Philippians 2:5-11

Have this mind among yourself, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though He was in the form of God, did not consider equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted Him and bestowed on Him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Colossians 1:15-23

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by Him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities - all things were created through Him and for Him. And He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. And He is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything He might be preeminent. For in Him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through Him to reconcile to Himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven making peace by the blood of the cross.

And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, He has now reconciled in His body of flesh by His death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before Him, if indeed you continue in the faith, stable and steadfast, not shifting from the hope of the gospel that you heard, which has been proclaimed in all creation under heaven, and of which I, Paul, became a minister.

Hebrews 2:9-18

But we see Him who for a little while was made lower than the angels, namely Jesus, crowned with glory and honor because of the suffering of death, so that by the grace of God he might taste death for everyone.

For it was fitting that He, for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory, should make the founder of their salvation perfect through suffering. For He who sanctifies and those who are sanctified all have one source. That is why He is not ashamed to call them brothers, saying, "I will tell of your name to my brothers, in the midst of the congregation I will sing your praise." And again, "I will put my trust in Him." And again, "Behold, I and the children God has given me."

Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, He Himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death He might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery.
For surely it is not angels that He helps, but He helps the offspring of Abraham. Therefore He had to be made like His brothers in every respect, so that He might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. For because He Himself has suffered when tempted, He is able to help those who are being tempted.


I am forever grateful to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ for saving me when I should not have been saved. He has forgiven me of my sins, and I could never repay Him. How wide and deep is the love of Christ! What a mystery it is that He should die for my sins, when I did nothing to deserve it. I have been set free from the chains of sin, and now I can live in freedom! What an amazing and wonderful thought that is.

I too often take God for granted, and I do not praise Him nearly like I should. I find myself expecting Him to do things for me instead of being grateful for the many blessings that He has bestowed upon my life.

Lord, help me to remember Your sacrifice. Help me not to forget what You have done for me, and for all other believers. You are the Alpha and Omega, my Rock, and my Salvation. At the end of the day, You are all that matters. Nothing in this world matters but You. I want to sing of Your praises as long as I live because of what You've done for me. You've taken a filthy sinner like me, and transformed me into Your likeness because of Your mercy and Your grace. I can never thank You enough.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Unity in Christ.

Romans 12:9-21

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." To the contrary, "if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Galatians 5:16-6:10

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor. For each will have to bear his own load.

One who is taught the word must share all good things with the one who teaches. Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.

Ephesians 4:1-7

I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit - just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call - one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift.

Colossians 3:12-17

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

A Kick in the Pants.

Yes, yesterday I received a kick in the pants from my wonderful Savior. And that's not sarcasm, that's not mockery, it's the truth. Yesterday I wrote a blog talking about how lonely I felt, and how I didn't understand why God would feel so far away. And then I basically mocked the "spiritual" answers to why I was feeling lonely and said that we overspiritualize things sometimes. Well.... God had my answer today for why I don't feel as close to Him, and it was definitely spiritual and it was definitely very convicting.

I have become lukewarm.

This really is a disturbing fact. Before now, I had become comfortable in my Christianity. I had thought that I really didn't need that much alone time with God, and I didn't really need to get into His Word that often because I'm already getting in it all the time for my classes. I figured that was enough. But now I'm realizing that it's not. It's not enough to do that, because where's my real pursuit of my Savior? Where's the romance with Him? It has vanished.

I need to get back to my first Love. I need to make Him my first priority, and I need to love Him above anything and anyone else in my life. I need to stopping wishing that I had more material things and more of the things that I want in my life, and be grateful for all the incredible blessings that He has given me. He has given me a wonderful family, wonderful friends, and an amazing school to go to. He has allowed me to have a job, be healthy, and have the ability to get in shape. I have an awesome ministry opportunity this summer, and I can't take that for granted.

I have taken so many things in my life for granted lately. I've told God that the things that He's done isn't enough, and I've tried to get things my own way. I've run after possible relationships, money, and friends. I need to stop this. Right now. I need to trust that God knows what He's doing in my life, and He has the ultimate plan. I need to stop trusting in myself and start trusting in the One who is actually going to fix my life, not mess it up even more.

I need to run into the arms of my Savior.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Contemplations of a Librarian.

Have you ever had the feeling of loneliness, even when you're surrounded by people all the time? I have. And I seem to be feeling it quite frequently lately. And I know that there are spiritual answers for this.

"You won't feel lonely if you make Jesus your best friend."

"Of course you'll feel lonely if you put your priorities on people rather than on Jesus. People will let you down. Jesus won't."

Yes, I know these. But honestly, there are still times when we feel lonely. There are times when EVERYONE feels like God is far away, and they aren't fully connected with the people around them. This is real life. I think too many times we as Christians idealize and overspiritualize certain aspects of life. Yes there's a spiritual answer for the things we go through. But honestly, sometimes life just sucks.

I'll readily admit that I have plenty of times where I feel spiritually dry and God is far away. Sure, accuse me of not trying hard enough at my relationship with God. Tell me that I'm putting other priorities in front of Him. But the fact of the matter is that this happens to everyone. No one is exempt from this occurence.

Yes, I feel as though God is far away, and He's silent. Do I know why? No. I miss Him. I really do. Maybe I have put my focus on other things rather than Him.

But this isn't the only reason I feel lonely.

Spring is here. So many couples are popping up out of nowhere. And though I know that I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone at the present time nor do I REALLY want one.... I really want one. If that makes any sense at all. I have never had that kind of connection with someone. And frankly, I really do long for it. I have so many friends getting into relationships, getting engaged, and getting married. And then I look at my life situation and think, "Why am I being left behind?"

I know that I'm only 19 years old. But there's A LOT of pressure here at Moody to be in a relationship. And since getting married and having a family is one of my heart's deepest desires, it is REALLY difficult to wait for the right timing. I have had a few guys pursue in the past year, and I have been very tempted to compromise and date them, even though I knew it wasn't right, simply because I have that strong of a desire to be with someone.

And even now I've found myself looking around for the one that God has for me. This is the strongest that my desire has been in a long time - I'll be completely honest in admitting that.

It's hard being single and watching all my friends have their love stories. It honestly really, really sucks. No, I'm not even 20 yet. But that doesn't lessen the reality of my desire. I long to find my someone. I long to have that man in mylife. And I know God is putting me through this season for a reason, but to not have that person AND to feel as though God is silent and far away is not a good combination at all.

All I can do is trust Him. Trust that He really is there, and He really does have a plan for me. But I miss Him. And I have a longing deep within to find the man that He wants me to be with. I hope it's not long, but I have no idea when it'll happen. And I know that I'm going to have to wait for His timing.

Oh God, give me the strength to wait on Your timing. This is tough.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


1. I bailed on Breaking Bread tonight.

2. It ended up being okay though, because I had A LOT of things to get done.

3. A question I've been pondering - how do you untangle something that is so completely knotted up without being hurt or hurting others in the process? Oh, the challenges of growing up.