Life Without Children.

This is a hard post for me to write. It may be one of the most vulnerable moments I’ve ever had in my writing, and it scares me.

Eric and I have discussed a lot in the past year the possibility of having children. We’ve both come to the conclusion that we may never have our own biological kids. I can’t say that conclusion was an easy one – it’s a little easier for Eric than it is for me. Though I don’t want children now, I know there’s still an ache in my heart that longs to be pregnant and experience what it’s like to bear and raise a child. However, we’ve both seen that it may not be in the cards for us.

One of the major reasons for our conclusion is my health. My liver disease is very serious, and if, during pregnancy, one of my bile ducts closed, I wouldn’t be able to get it opened up. Having it opened up requires general anesthesia, and this isn’t possible while pregnant. My hepatologist has even told me that she doesn’t want me getting pregnant, at least not right now. If I were to get pregnant, I would be very high-risk and would need to be watched closely. Neither Eric nor I are willing to take that risk.

Most of the time, I’m completely fine with not having kids. I see new parents all around me completely stressed out and exhausted, and I don’t envy that. I’m certain that it’s all worth it for them, but that kind of exhaustion is not something I want right now. Eric and I are in great places in our jobs, and we’re loving being successful at what we’re doing.

We also love our life together. We’re best friends, in every sense of the word. We absolutely love spending time with each other, and we both have dreams to travel the world and experience new things with one another. We’re not ready or wanting that to change anytime soon. Again, I’m not making a judgment on anyone who has kids – I’m certain that all the changes are worth it, but we’re not in a place to make that change yet.

It makes me sad when I hear people look down on couples who have decided either not to get pregnant anytime soon or not to get pregnant at all. We all have different walks in this life, and just because some people decide not to have children doesn’t mean that they are any less mature or “adult” than another couple.

Eric and I have very valid reasons not to have children (right now). Yes, most of it has to do with my health, but we also have no desire for the kind of hard work and sacrifice it would take to be parents. That’s not to say that if we had a surprise pregnancy we wouldn’t be thrilled, but we both know that we’re not at a place where we’re ready or okay with taking on that kind of responsibility.

However…I still have an ache inside. Though I’m so happy for my family and friends who are in that stage of life, I also mourn for what may never be. As silly as it is, ever since I was in high school, I would sometimes talk to my belly about the future children that would be housed inside. I made a Pinterest board for “the future,” filled with baby room ideas and adorable decorations and outfits. We’ve been asked by multiple people in the past, “When are you going to have kids,” and we’ve been able to answer with a positive “Not now, but maybe soon!” Those questions have thankfully disappeared, but the ache from past questions still remains.

Though I love seeing pictures and posts from friends who are pregnant or have just had children, sometimes I have to distance myself from Facebook in order not to become envious or angry that I may never have that opportunity. Sometimes the pain is just too much.

I know many of you are probably saying, “You’re only 25, you have plenty of time.” Yes, I realize that I have many child-bearing years ahead of me. However, my health certainly may never permit that, even if Eric and I come to a point that we want kids. I’m terrified of that possibility.

However, I still have hope. Through the ache and through the future uncertainty, I know that I have a great God. I also know that just because we may never have our own biological children, that doesn’t mean we’ll never have kids. Adoption has been on my heart for quite some time now, and even though it’s expensive and far off into the future, I would love for that to one day become a reality. Though I may miss out on the miracle of pregnancy, I would be thrilled to give a child a home and call him/her our own.

But for now, I plan on enjoying every second I have with my amazing husband, and our adorable (and crazy) cat. I love my little family, and I dote on my nieces and nephew any chance I get. If I have any advice for those reading this, it would be to please be sensitive to those couples who don’t have children. You may have no idea what they’re struggling with, and to just assume that they’re being selfish and immature for not having children is very damaging.

Those couples may be struggling through health issues, infertility, miscarriages, or a multitude of other things. Or, quite frankly, they may just not want children (and I believe that’s okay, too). We’re all on different paths in this life, so let’s not make the mistake of believing everyone must live the way we do.

And though this may seem silly and insignificant, please do not make judgments on those who call their pets “children,” or “babies.” It may seem ridiculous to you, but to someone who is infertile, it may be the only way they can feel like a parent. Please don’t devalue those who take pride in their pets.

We may never know what another person is dealing with. Please be sensitive to any and all who don’t have children, because your words and judgments may be far more damaging that you’ll ever realize.

That's Just The Way It Is.

I feel like I'm on a constant emotional rollercoaster. One day I can totally see the light and the hope that I have in Christ, and the next, I'm right back to or further away from where I started. My life has been such a whirlwind of events lately, and I don't really know what's going on. False accusations on my character, a destroyed reputation, feelings of guilt, jealousy, hurt, anger... and on top of all of that I have to place intense schoolwork and learning how to live with a long-distance relationship.

Let me tell you... It's not easy.

I know that God has called me to the place I'm at for a reason. I know that He has given me the strength that I need in order to overcome whatever I'm facing, but that doesn't exactly make things a walk in the park. Like I said, I still have my good days, but then I have my very bad days as well. I'm so grateful though for my wonderful Eric, my friends, my family, and above all, my Lord and Savior. I know that God has place the people in my life there for a reason, and I know that I have faithful friends who love me and want to see me through this.

That is a huge comfort.

I hate the fact that my posts lately have been more depressing than encouraging. I guess this is just a dark spot that I'm facing right now, but I'm trying to fight through it with everything that is in me, and cling desperately to the promises that my God has given to me. I know that He will never leave me, and He will never forsake me. I know that I may never see the results in this lifetime, but He is fighting for me, and He has ultimate purposes for everything that happens. I am so incredibly grateful to Him for His love and His mercy toward me. I don't deserve it at all.

I feel so much like David in the Psalms. If there was ever a picture of an emotional rollercoaster, the Psalms is where it's at. David is up, down, up, down, then up again. Then in the next Psalm he's right back to being down. I am finding a continual growth in dependence on the Psalms in my life for that reason, and it's really a comfort.

Though I can't see it right now, God is working in my life. Maybe He's molding me right now. Maybe He's showing me that some things in my life need to change, and even that I won't always get justice in life and things won't always be fair, but He is still God, and He is still sovereign. I guess He might just want to remind me to trust Him that He knows what He's doing.

...Ha, as I wrote that, a line in one of the songs I'm listening to said,

"You are God, and that's just the way it is."

I guess I need to remember that. Plain and simple, God is God. He's got it covered.

Working With People Who Are Being Worked On.

So, the title of my blog this round is a long one, but it is needed. What does it mean though, "Working With People Who Are Being Worked On"? It means that throughout our lives, we are going to work with people who aren't... *gasp* ...PERFECT. Each of us is still in process, and this is something that I have been learning very clearly in the past couple of days.

Recently I had a situation happen where I found out that someone I worked with in the past still harbors resentment toward me and is choosing not to forgive me for the mistakes I had made during the time we worked together. When I first learned of this, I was absolutely heartbroken, and I still am. I broke down in tears and cried for an hour or more, and I felt as though I was the worst person on earth. After I was done with that mess, I began to feel very bitter and resentful myself. How could this person do this? Why couldn't they see that I'm not a terrible person?

And then... I began to see my hypocrisy. Just like this person was choosing not to forgive me, I was doing the same thing. Now yes, the clincher here is that I saw my poor attitude and I had/have the desire to change it and the other person does not, but I HAVE always been someone who sees the flaws in my thinking fairly quickly. This does not make me better than the other person, but it just makes my thinking and the way I handle situations different.

The point here I suppose is... God works in each individual person differently, and it's not up to me to decide when that happens. I know that this other person is a believer, and so all I have to do is wait for God to work in their life. I am at peace knowing that I did everything I could to rectify the situation (and trust me, I racked my brain many, many times and I still do to see if I did anything else that needed to be fixed), and now it's in God's hands to do what He will with it.

I may never see the results of God's work in this person's life, and that needs to be okay. I was told by a couple people that I discussed this situation with that I may never see reconciliation in this matter. I may never see things "fixed." And that needs to be okay.

Oh my goodness. Do you know how hard that is for me? I am, by definition, a "fixer". So to be told that I can't fix something is one of the most difficult things for me to swallow. All I want to do is call this person, message them, do whatever I can in order to make the situation better. But the truth of the matter is that God is infinitely better than me at this kind of stuff, and I just need to leave it in his hands to do what He will with it. He has it all under control and He knows what He's doing.

Growing and learning to trust hurts a little bit.....

Last week of classes already?

Wow, I can't believe how quickly this semester went. It's pretty ridiculous, actually. I feel as though I just got here a little while ago, and now it's already time to leave for Christmas break. And I have to say... I'm not really upset by that fact.

To be completely honest, this has been the worst semester that I have ever had. So many things have happened in my life that makes me want to crawl in a hole and not come out for a very, very long time. Part of those things have been my fault, but I can't blame myself for everything that has happened.

It's these kinds of situations (losing friendships/relationships) that make it really difficult for me to trust God. Does He really have the best for me? Does He really know what He's doing? The question is of course yes, He does. He's God, after all. But for some reason, I just have such a difficult time trusting Him when I'm going through one of the most trying times that I have ever experienced. It's like I have all this head-knowledge, but not the heart-knowledge that God is good and knows what He's doing, and it's the hardest thing in the world to make that transfer of knowledge from the head to the heart.

I wish I could end this on a happy note and say "God is good" or "I'm getting through it." But honestly, those are just cliche Christian answers that people give so that no one will see how much they're really hurting. I don't want to do that, because sometimes you just can't pretend like everything's okay when it's really not.

I'm thankful for the upcoming break from school. Hopefully it'll give me a chance to clear my head and remember who God is. I'll be spending a few days alone at my sister's place because she and her husband are going to California, and I'm really looking forward to that. I'm really desperate for time with God so we can sort things out.

Please pray for me. While I have friends to talk to in order to help me push through, it's still not easy and I'm still struggling.

Learning to Breathe Again.

Life is going to get good again. I can feel it, and I'm so excited. To be completely honest, life has sucked up to this point in the semester. It has been the most stressful and difficult semester I've ever had, and I'm ready for it to be over. It actually hasn't been very stressful academically, but it has been so hard in the areas of my emotions and my spirituality.

It was twenty times more difficult to get over my ex than I thought it would be, but I completely cut off communication with him and I feel so completely free now. I had never realized just how much he had manipulated and used me throughout our relationship and our friendship. I know that I am a strong woman, and I deserve better than that, that's for sure. I won't stand for being treated less than I should be. Right now my ex and I are taking a month apart, but I have a feeling at the end of the month I won't care if I ever talk to him again.

In regards to my most previous post on the topic of prayer, God has revealed Himself even more to me throughout this whole situation. It is more than okay for me to pray for the things that I want and I long for, but if I also pray that God will do His will in the situation, then He will eventually change my desires to look more like His, and will help the pain to dissipate.

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I have a friend who, for our women's ministry mini-retreat read to us from Phil Vischer's book, "Sid and Norman: a Tale of Two Pigs." It sounds like a silly children's book, but when she read it to us I almost cried, and I also checked it out of the library a few days ago in order to read it again. The premise of this book is that there are two pigs who live next door to each other, but are complete opposites. The first one is Norman, who is an upstanding pig that always has his tie completely straight and tends to look down on others, and then there's Sidney who wishes he could be like him, but always seems to get everything messed up. His house is always a mess, his tie is never straight, he always gets in trouble, is always late for things, and can never be organized.

Both of the pigs get invited to talk to God one day, and while Norman is excited, Sidney is completely dreading and terrifed of the entire situation. Norman is sure that God is going to give him an award for being such a good pig, but this is not what happens. He walks in and God simply tells him that He loves him, but it's not because of his goodness that He loves him. He then tells Norman to stop looking down on other people and to realize that He loves them just as much as him.

Then comes in Sidney. Sidney is just sure that God is going to chastise him for not being good enough and for always messes up, but God again just simply tells him, "I love you." And then he said, "Secondly, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you." God did not want to tell Sidney everything that he was doing wrong. He simply wanted to tell him that He loved him just the way he was.

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I would highly recommend reading this book (Yes, it's a kids' book!) because of how encouraging and moving it is. I find that I identify myself with Sidney SO much. I feel as though I am always so disorganized and I can never get anything right, but the only ipmortant thing is how much God loves me. He doesn't love me because of anything I do or don't do, but simply because He can. This is huge, and makes me realize how awesome and wonderful He really is.

God's goodness is beyond comprehension and beyond anything that we could ever imagine. Just when I think that I understand and that He can't possibly be good to me because of how I've messed up, He continues to surprise me.

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.