Monday, April 20, 2009

Trust Issues.

Wow, last night I had a huge revelation. I have trust issues. I don't trust anything or anyone but myself. And that's a scary thing. When it comes to doing projects or something like that, I don't trust anyone else but myself to get work done, and it when it comes to friendships, I don't trust anyone else to make an effort but myself. I always think that if I don't make the effort, no one else will. And when it comes to God, I definitely have the hardest time trusting Him. It's so difficult to trust Him with everything in my life. What's strange though is that I trust Him with the big things in life, but I don't trust Him with the small things. Well, I trust Him with most of the big things in my life, anyway.

Through talking with a friend last night, I realized that I can tend to come at friendships too aggressively. I know the person a week and I'm already wanting to hang out, talk all the time, and get really deep. But my friend was right. You miss out on things if you go too deeply too quickly. I have to learn how to slow things down and take my time. I don't have to have things happen right away. I don't have to have close friendships develop within two weeks of knowing a person. I just need to chill and relax.

But then I started thinking about it: I don't know how to take a friendship slowly, and that's scary. I'm so used to going so quickly in all of my friendships that I have no idea how to develop it slowly because I've never trusted the other person to reciprocate my attempts in becoming better friends. This person I talked to last night just asked me to trust him. Trust him that he'll develop the friendship at the speed that it's supposed to be, and just to follow his lead. But can I do that? Can I really trust someone besides myself with a friendship? I guess in order to really grow, I'm going to have to. But it's going to be frustrating, and it's going to hurt. I'm going to keep wanting to move faster than I should. I'm going to have to keep moving backwards after I try to run ahead. I know myself. I know that I'm going to continue falling flat on my face. I know that it's going to be really difficult to change my ways since I've done this for so long. It's been a long time since I've really trusted anyone with a friendship because so many people have let me down that I really don't know where to begin.

I want to have lasting friendships, so I guess I'm going to have to start trusting people at some point in time, and it might as well be now. Of course it has to be in the most stressful time of my life, but I guess that's just the way it goes sometimes. I know God will give me strength to get through it all. I'm just not looking forward to it.

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