I feel as though I really live Romans 7:15 which says, "For I do not understand why own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate." This passage goes on to explain how frustrated Paul is that he cannot seem to get things right, and that is exactly how I feel. I want to get things right. I really do. But I find it harder and harder the more I try. It seems as though every single time I try to do things differently and I try to be better, I end up falling flat on my face and just ending up in the exact same position as I was before. This is extremely frustrating and confusing. I want to grow. I want to be a more mature and self-controlled person. But it's like every single time I try to be self-controlled, everything gets so out of control that I have to somehow pick up all the pieces after everything has exploded.
I want to be better. I don't want to be frustrated at myself for doing the very thing I don't want to do every single time I try not to do it. I get sucked in. My mind starts racing and I start to lose my focus on Christ. I veer away so quickly that I don't even know how I do it. And then it hits. I become so absorbed in my situation that I continue to think about it constantly and it absolutely consumes me. I keep telling myself that it's the exact opposite of the place that I want to be, but somehow I cannot seem to pull myself out. I'm stuck in my situation until something happens to either blow up in my face or just completely break my heart. And then I run back to God with my tail between my legs, asking His forgiveness for losing my focus.
This happens every single time, no matter how hard I try to change it and be different. I know that the ending verse has hope in saying, "Who can rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord!" That's an encouragement. But what does it really look like to be rescued by Jesus Christ in our every day situations? Because I don't know about anyone else, but I'll pray for Christ to take me out of the situation, and to help me to do things right, but I still end up falling flat on my face. Am I not trying hard enough? Am I not praying hard enough? I don't know. This is something that I still really need to ponder.