Saturday, April 4, 2009

Contemplations of a Librarian.

Have you ever had the feeling of loneliness, even when you're surrounded by people all the time? I have. And I seem to be feeling it quite frequently lately. And I know that there are spiritual answers for this.

"You won't feel lonely if you make Jesus your best friend."

"Of course you'll feel lonely if you put your priorities on people rather than on Jesus. People will let you down. Jesus won't."

Yes, I know these. But honestly, there are still times when we feel lonely. There are times when EVERYONE feels like God is far away, and they aren't fully connected with the people around them. This is real life. I think too many times we as Christians idealize and overspiritualize certain aspects of life. Yes there's a spiritual answer for the things we go through. But honestly, sometimes life just sucks.

I'll readily admit that I have plenty of times where I feel spiritually dry and God is far away. Sure, accuse me of not trying hard enough at my relationship with God. Tell me that I'm putting other priorities in front of Him. But the fact of the matter is that this happens to everyone. No one is exempt from this occurence.

Yes, I feel as though God is far away, and He's silent. Do I know why? No. I miss Him. I really do. Maybe I have put my focus on other things rather than Him.

But this isn't the only reason I feel lonely.

Spring is here. So many couples are popping up out of nowhere. And though I know that I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone at the present time nor do I REALLY want one.... I really want one. If that makes any sense at all. I have never had that kind of connection with someone. And frankly, I really do long for it. I have so many friends getting into relationships, getting engaged, and getting married. And then I look at my life situation and think, "Why am I being left behind?"

I know that I'm only 19 years old. But there's A LOT of pressure here at Moody to be in a relationship. And since getting married and having a family is one of my heart's deepest desires, it is REALLY difficult to wait for the right timing. I have had a few guys pursue in the past year, and I have been very tempted to compromise and date them, even though I knew it wasn't right, simply because I have that strong of a desire to be with someone.

And even now I've found myself looking around for the one that God has for me. This is the strongest that my desire has been in a long time - I'll be completely honest in admitting that.

It's hard being single and watching all my friends have their love stories. It honestly really, really sucks. No, I'm not even 20 yet. But that doesn't lessen the reality of my desire. I long to find my someone. I long to have that man in mylife. And I know God is putting me through this season for a reason, but to not have that person AND to feel as though God is silent and far away is not a good combination at all.

All I can do is trust Him. Trust that He really is there, and He really does have a plan for me. But I miss Him. And I have a longing deep within to find the man that He wants me to be with. I hope it's not long, but I have no idea when it'll happen. And I know that I'm going to have to wait for His timing.

Oh God, give me the strength to wait on Your timing. This is tough.

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