There Will Be a Day.

I know this is my second post of the day and my like, millionth in the past few days, but this song is absolutely amazing. God is so, so good.

There Will Be a Day: Jeremy Camp

I try to hold on to this life with everything I have

But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab

That many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth:

That we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings

That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears

No more pain, and no more fears

There will be a day when the burdens of this place

Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

But until that day, we'll hold on to You always

I know the journey seems so long

You feel like you're walking on your own

But there has never been a step

Where you've walked out all alone

Troubled soul don't lose your heart

Cause joy and peace He brings

And the beauty that's in store

Outweighs the hurt of life's sting

There will be a day with no more tears

No more pain, and no more fears

There will be a day when the burdens of this place

Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

But until that day, we'll hold on to You always

I can't wait until that day where the very One

I've lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I've faced

To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery

Oh this is why, this is why I sing

There will be a day with no more tears

No more pain, and no more fears

There will be a day when the burdens of this place

Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

But until that day, we'll hold on to You always

There will be a day with no more tears

No more pain, and no more fears

There will be a day when the burdens of this place

Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

But until that day, we'll hold on to You always

There will be a day He will wipe away the tears

He will wipe away the tears

He will wipe away the tears

There will be a day

Absolutely Overwhelmed.

Oh my dear friends... You have been absolutely amazing. I haven't felt more supported and loved than I do at this very moment. Receiving all of the facebook messages, comments, and texts has been so special. Thank you all so much for your prayers. I couldn't ask for more. You all are truly great, and I am blessed to have you all in my life. Thanks again. I really, really appreciate it.

<3

Time For You to Learn More About Me.

I've been really thinking today, and I think it's time that I shared something about my life that not a lot of people know. I won't give many details, but it's about a sickness that I've had to deal with for thirteen years.

I have a disease called ulcerative colitis, which is an inflammation of the colon. It bleeds, can develop polyps easily, has difficult side effects, and also increases the risk of cancer. For the majority of my life I have been blessed to be fairly healthy. Sometimes though, I would have flare-ups resulting in embarrassing and difficult consequences. However, I never really thought much of this. I just took it in stride and moved on. No big deal. I never really understood the seriousness of my condition until this morning, when I had my yearly colonoscopy.

It's difficult for me to talk about these things, but please bear with me. The way my doctor described my condition was that it's like someone took sandpaper to my colon and messed it up. It looks terrible (trust me, it does. I saw the pictures from the procedure). He talked about how surprised he was that I've been able to hold up so well given my circumstances and my condition.

I've never had huge problems with this disease before. For a couple years I was really close to remission, but now it's back and more active than ever. I am not telling you all these things in order to gain any pity of any kind, but rather to ask you for prayer. It's really difficult for me to ask this, because I want to be normal. I want to lead a normal life apart from any disease. But here's the truth: I can't. I can be fairly normal, but I am always going to have this to deal with.

I'm continuing on my regular medication for the next 2 1/2 months, and then I have to get blood tests during spring break and meet with my doctor to see if anything else needs to be done.

I don't like asking for prayer for things like this - I feel like I should be able to handle it. But the truth is that I need prayerful support from my brothers and sisters in Christ. If you would be willing to do that, I would be more than grateful. Thank you to all of you who have supported me and will continue to support me. It's a huge encouragement.

I'm grateful to God to be as healthy as I am. It definitely could be a lot worse. God is good, and I know that His grace is sufficient for me. He gave me this to deal with for a reason, and even though I don't know what it is, I know that it is for my ultimate good and His ultimate glory. God is truly showing me that in my weakness, He is truly strong.

Media and The Church

I watched the Nightline special about idol worship featuring Mark Driscoll a few months ago, and it really got me thinking. The media has SO much influence on what people think about the church. The main video clips that they used to illustrate church was with an organ and hymns. This is not what the contemporary church is like at all.

I also feel as though they made Christians look as if they were not intelligent, but all about "feeling good inside." I could be completely off in this and have missed the point entirely, but that's what watching those clips made me think.

It's as if they are portraying the church as a group of people who do not live under freedom, but simply under a set of rules that are just put in place in order not to allow them to have "fun." For example, whenever a Christian is portrayed on television to be practicing abstinence, they are seen as ridiculous and they never know why they are doing what they're doing, except for the fact that it's what their pastors and parents told them to do.

Real Christianity is not what the media portrays. However, I think it is important for Christians to see how non-believers view Christianity so that we might be able to most effectively minister to them. For anyone who has seen the movie Saved! knows what I'm talking about. This movie is absolutely filled with what the world thinks of us as Christians. It mocks, pokes fun, and desecrates Christianity in a way that is really depressing. Worship times are seen as just concerts with everyone putting their hands in the air for no apparent reason, gospel messages that are given are only of fire and brimstone, even the best Christians in the movie lead double lives, and so on. While this movie is upsetting though, I do believe that it is important for all Christians to see it so we can be aware of what people really think.

Everywhere you look on television you will find that Christianity is misrepresented. It is very rare for Christianity to be portrayed in the correct light so that people may see it for what it really is. While it is important to have a sense of humor about these things as well, we also need to be sobered to the fact that the people who make fun of Christianity, whether it is in the form of innocent humor or malicious slander, there is at least a small kernel of truth that they really think those things themselves.

And instead of judging those people like so often happens, it is important that we pray for them and minister to them so that they may see the real love of Jesus, instead of having their stereotypes confirmed. I know that I personally spend too much time judging those that make fun of Christianity instead of feeling pity and compassion for them, so I am very challenged by this as well. Can we do this? Can we reach out to those who hate us because of our faith, and hate the church? It may be difficult, and it may be uncomfortable, but God did not call us to live comfortable lives. He called us to live holy and blameless lives, and through living in that manner we will have difficulties.

But remember this: we still have freedom here in America, even if it is being taken away little by little. We are so blessed to be in this country, because there are people all over the world who are dying for their faith. We really do not have to worry about this here. So instead of becoming lazy and comfortable, why don't we take advantage of our situation and reach out to as many people as we can?

Tales from the Freaked-Out Cat-Sitter.

So here I am, housesitting for my sister and her husband while they're away. I should have known that it was going to be "iffy" and different for me... I've never done well with being by myself at night. I normally start to think about all sorts of things and get worked up about the smallest noises in the house. Tonight is exactly one of those nights.

I was already a tad nervous as I normally am when I shut the lights off in the house, and then right when I was about to fall asleep, a loud alarm from the building across the street went off - whether it was a fluke or someone actually tried to break in, I have no idea. All I know is that this alarm ruined my night of sleep. It's 1 a.m. and I have no clue if I'm ever going to get to sleep.

I think my sister's cat is getting a little tired of my restlessness. He keeps moving and looking up at me like he's waiting for me to turn off the computer and go to sleep so that HE can go to sleep. He's still purring though, so that's a good sign. Right now he just moved from sleeping at my side to sleeping on top of me... I think he's trying to tell me something. But alas, I'm too filled with adrenaline to fall asleep. Hopefully I'll get some sleep, since I have to get up early to go to church with my parents in the morning.

... And here I did it again. Freaking out, just because I heard the heater turn on. Oh goodness, this could be a long night. On the bright side though, I think I'm realizing that I'm much more entertaining when it's late. I don't think I normally write like this, but tonight I am.

Well, I guess I'm just going to have to trust that God's going to take care of me, and everything will be all right. Will I turn off the computer yet? Um... not likely. I'm considering sleeping with the bedroom light ON tonight. We'll see what happens.

---- On a completely unrelated note... I just got done watching Julie and Julia (fabulous movie, btw) and I'm starting to realize how curious it is that you can just click "publish post," and you're basically an author. Whether your writing is wonderful or simply atrocious, it doesn't matter. People will still read what you've written and possibly comment on it. How will we know who the actually good writers are anymore if people are continuously publishing crappy things and are being told that their posts are really good by their friends who are just trying to make them feel better? Hm... I hope I'm not one of those. Anyway, I digress.

I'm going to see if I can't calm down and get some sleep... Praying through the alphabet and counting sheep are always good methods.

Goodnight.

Beautiful the Blood.

Thank you Jesus, for Your Sacrifice.

I never knew
Death could be so sweet
I never knew
Surrender could feel so free
I never seen
Such meekness in majesty
That the blood of Jesus
Was bled for me

And now I sing
Freedom for all my days
It's only by
The power of the cross
I'm raised
The King of Glory
Rescued me

How beautiful the blood flow
How merciful the love show
The King glory poured out
Victorious, I'm weeping

Never knew through these nails
Would love unfold
And never knew these wounds
Would heal my soul
I've never seen
Such beauty and sorrow meet
The blood of Jesus
Was bled for me

And now I sing
Freedom for all my days
It's only by
The power of the cross
I'm raised
The King of Glory
Rescued me

[Repeat Chorus]

Now I'll sing
Freedom for all my days
It's only by
The power of the cross
I'm raised
The King of Glory
Rescued me

[Repeat Chorus]

How beautiful you are
How merciful you are
How glorious you are
Christ the Savior
How beautiful you are
How merciful you are
How glorious you are
Christ the Savior

Christmas.

Well, I figured since I'm not going to be online on Christmas day, I'll go ahead and post today. Lately I have been completely convicted by so many people regarding the Christmas season and story. I have heard that story so many times that sometimes I feel as though I have become calloused to it. This is a sad truth to learn, because it is the most amazing story in all of history. The God of the universe coming down in the form of a baby just to grow up and die to save a wretched and despicable human race from eternal punishment. Yet too often I read/listen to the story, and my mind becomes foggy because I am hearing the same story for maybe the hundredth time (no exaggeration).

But I think God is bringing me back to my senses. He has put people in my life either directly or indirectly to show me how I should be reacting to the Christmas story. First of all, there's Matt Chandler and his family. I know I talk about them a lot, but I am just in awe of their faith amidst the storms of life. In the past few weeks Pastor Matt has been talking about the Christmas season and how in awe he is that God would do something so wonderful for him, and today I received his twitter update saying that his church service was almost unbearable because of how struck he was by God's grace and mercy. Um... Wow. How many times have I gone to Christmas Eve services and just yawned the whole time because we're singing the same songs we sing every year and listening to the same story over again?

Two other people that have struck me are John, a man who goes to my sister's church, and my dad. Both of these men are strong believers, and still get choked up whenever they read the Christmas story. I am so, so humbled by this. Even though I may be filled with emotion over the story and what God did, I don't remember the last time I cried because I thought about the birth of Jesus Christ.

I feel renewed. The faith of all three of these men has brought me to a new place of wonder with the Christmas story, and I am eternally grateful to God for that. He is so good and so gracious, and I long to praise him more and more because of His great love for all of His children.

Thank You Lord, for Your wonderful gift. May we who follow You never be the same again, but be permanently transformed by your sacrifice for us. We are so undeserving, yet You loved us enough to be "unjust."

Praise be to God, the Maker of Heaven and Earth.

Amazing Pastor.

Message from Matt

- Matt Chandler is a great man of God, and is such an encouragement, even though he is struggling with brain cancer.

Questions That Fog Up My Mind.

I know that we're supposed to forgive others after they've hurt us and lied to us, but what happens when they've done it time after time in the past and then ask you to trust that they've changed? Do you just take them at their word, even though they've had a history of breaking your trust?

I know someone who told me that he doesn't expect his friends to earn his trust. Because they're his friends, he just automatically trusts them, even if they lie to him multiple times. I don't think I agree with that. I've severely broken people's trust in the past, and because I cared about them, I wanted to earn their trust back. I knew that I couldn't just expect it to be there.

But what do you do when someone tells you they've changed? That they're not the person they were, and that their heart is in a completely different place? I want to trust this person. I really do. I'm just afraid of being disappointed and hurt again. But do I put that aside in order to hope for the best?

Life can be so confusing. I know that I'm to forgive this person, but I'm not sure if I have to trust them and everything they say. I guess I'm just afraid of them walking away from the friendship if I tell them that I don't trust them. Is that a chance I just need to take?

Oh goodness.

Going Through the Motions.

Amazing song by Matthew West. Very moving.

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
take me all the way (through the motions)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

God's Beauty.

Have you ever sat back and wondered about how God could make a world that is so complex, strange, and yet beautiful at the same time? I certainly have. I visited a church this past Sunday (The Painted Door), and the pastor talked about God's beauty and what it really means. He talked about how we were made to recognize the beautiful. We were made to desire that. And yet, in our desire and our pursuit of the beautiful, we completely miss the point.

We end up settling. We settle for what's here on earth and begin to think that this is the most beautiful that it can get. Whether it is two hearts uniting as one, the miracle of birth, or the changing of the seasons, we mistake earthly beauty as God's best for us.

But this isn't the case.

God's beauty far surpasses everything that this world has to offer. This world will pass away, but God will endure forever, and He is the one who set everything into motion. God did not just create one aspect of the world and one aspect of beauty, but He created the entire thing. This must mean that God transcends this beauty.

When we pursue beauty, it is true that we do not just want to settle for something that looks "nice." We want something that other people can marvel and wonder at. This sometimes manifests itself in art, a successful job, material things, or lusts of the flesh.

The pastor of The Painted Door, Mark Bergin, talked about the fact that because we want what is most beautiful, we end up chasing other people and desiring that beauty, because we are made in the image of God. We are as close as it gets to seeing the true beauty of God. Have you ever stopped to think about this?

Being created in the image of God is not just a "nice thought," or something that you tell others to make them feel better about themselves. This idea, this truth, is huge. To be made in the image of God is to be infinitely valued. We are not just randomly made through evolutionary processes, but we have a purpose. But sadly, this is what we settle for most often. We think that it is enough to find a beautiful person and be satisfied with that. But there is so, so much more.

Mark Bergin said something on Sunday that really struck me. He said, "The cross of Christ is without question the most beautiful thing in all of human history." How could this be? Christ's death was anything but beautiful. It was bloody, gory, and shameful. Yet what it represented is what is truly beautiful. He endured that wretched death in order to save wretched sinners. Wretched sinners like me, like you, like everyone who has ever lived and will ever live. He died so that we may live in eternity with Him in heaven, if we accept His gift of an intimate relationship with Him.

This..... This is beauty.

Shout of the King.

Well if this song isn't convicting... I don't know what is. God deserves my praise, even when I am going through the darkest of moments.

----------------------------



I give You praise for You deserve it
I give You praise for what You've done
I give You praise for You are able
I give You praise 'til I overcome

I give You praise when the sun is shining
I give You praise in the dark of night
I give You praise when the battle rages
I give You praise 'til it works out right

The shout of the King is among us
God lives here in our praises
The shout of the King is among us
Praise Him praise Him
Praise Him in everything

Heaven opens as we sing Your praise
Angels join us as we praise Your name

My Affections, My Obsession.

I had an epiphany last night. What's funny is that it's nothing new. My epiphany was simply this: that when I feel the desire and "need" to be with someone, that I shouldn't make a person the object of my affections, but God and God alone. I've done the complete opposite so many times. I have tried to fix my problem by fixated my emotions and longings on one person, and this is a habit that I have to destroy. My obsession needs to be for Jesus Christ. I need to be wholly devoted to Him and what He wants for me - not what I want for myself. I need to strive every day to do His will and I need to know that He knows what's best for me.

No matter what, God needs to be my love and my obsession. I shouldn't ever settle for anything less.

Last week of classes already?

Wow, I can't believe how quickly this semester went. It's pretty ridiculous, actually. I feel as though I just got here a little while ago, and now it's already time to leave for Christmas break. And I have to say... I'm not really upset by that fact.

To be completely honest, this has been the worst semester that I have ever had. So many things have happened in my life that makes me want to crawl in a hole and not come out for a very, very long time. Part of those things have been my fault, but I can't blame myself for everything that has happened.

It's these kinds of situations (losing friendships/relationships) that make it really difficult for me to trust God. Does He really have the best for me? Does He really know what He's doing? The question is of course yes, He does. He's God, after all. But for some reason, I just have such a difficult time trusting Him when I'm going through one of the most trying times that I have ever experienced. It's like I have all this head-knowledge, but not the heart-knowledge that God is good and knows what He's doing, and it's the hardest thing in the world to make that transfer of knowledge from the head to the heart.

I wish I could end this on a happy note and say "God is good" or "I'm getting through it." But honestly, those are just cliche Christian answers that people give so that no one will see how much they're really hurting. I don't want to do that, because sometimes you just can't pretend like everything's okay when it's really not.

I'm thankful for the upcoming break from school. Hopefully it'll give me a chance to clear my head and remember who God is. I'll be spending a few days alone at my sister's place because she and her husband are going to California, and I'm really looking forward to that. I'm really desperate for time with God so we can sort things out.

Please pray for me. While I have friends to talk to in order to help me push through, it's still not easy and I'm still struggling.

Speak Through Me.

Tonight while writing a paper, I started listening to a new album by one of my favorite bands, Green River Ordinance. I knew that they were Christians, but had never heard an actual Christian song by them until I came across the song "Speak Through Me." GRO isn't a well-known band at all, but this song is absolutely incredible and SO powerful. Here are the lyrics:

Holding on to all you gave to me
Times I feel the furthest from complete
In the echoes of your confidence
Remind me of the consequences you undo

So here I stand today
Open eyes and open praise for you
You were there when everything came down
I owe you all my heart
My God

So I hear the people talk
Their voices so unclear
But I keep you in my head, keep you in my eyes
Where there's nothing left to fear

In the echoes of your confidence
Remind me of the consequences you undo
So here I stand today
Open eyes and open praise for you
You were there when everything came down
I owe you all my heart
My God

So speak through me
So loud and so clear
I want to feel you here


---------------------

Um, wow. That's all I have to say. This song feels as though it was written specifically for my prayer and praise to God. This is so much of how I have been feeling about everything lately. I have screwed up so many times, been so broken beyond what I thought could be repaired, and God lifted me up from the mire. He is still in the process of lifting me and rescuing me, but I know that He's doing it. I am moved to tears because of this realization and reality. I really do owe Him everything, and I want Him to be near me always and I want to feel Him here.

I get so discouraged and downtrodden so many times because often it feels as though God is silent and so distant. Right now is completely different, though. I should be writing my paper, but I can sense God's presence SO strongly. I know that He is speaking to me through this song, and I cannot keep quiet about what He is saying to me. He wants me to know that it's okay, that everything is going to be alright, and that He's right here with me to bring me through.

I am constantly amazed and astounded at the God that I serve. I can never thank Him enough for what He has done for me. I love Him with every breath of my being, and I long to serve Him with everything that I have. I owe Him that.

Oh God, you are more wonderful than I could ever imagine.

Ordained.

Today in my Systematic Theology class with Dr. Finkbeiner, we discussed the issue of human freedom and God's sovereignty. This topic has always interested me, and so as I processed through all the information (definitely more than I normally do) I began to think about what some of my friends believe about God's sovereignty, and I raised questions of my own.

I know someone who believes that God absolutely and actively (read more for what I mean about "actively) ordains everything, even our sin. This person says that God does so in order that He might be ultimately glorified in the end because He is the only One who can do right, and we are totally depraved beings. However, this has always presented an issue with me. Why would God basically force us to sin, and then give us the responsibility for doing it? Wouldn't that actually be God doing the evil and then just pushing the blame onto us? I have had the most difficult time with this, because I do not believe that it is God's character to actively ordain sin. There has to be human freedom involved with this.

However... let me be clear in saying that on the other side of things I do not believe in absolute human freedom. I will be bold in saying that I believe in Calvin's teachings on pre-destination, and I do not believe that we have the choice in whether or not we are saved. Even though God desires for all men to be saved, this does not mean that all men WILL be saved. However, I digress. My argument is not on eternal salvation at the moment, but on whether or not God ordains our sin.

My position on this issue is more in the middle of each side, which is "soft determinism." I talked with Dr. Finkbeiner today and he put it in such a way that was so clear and made a lot of sense (this is where my use of "actively ordaining" comes in, in case you were wondering). While God does in fact ordain everything because He is ultimately sovereign, there is a difference between active and passive ordination. For example, God has actively ordained certain individuals to receive salvation, but he has passively ordained sin to occur in our lives. Basically, this means that God allows it to take place. He obviously knows what we are going to choose, but we are able to make the choice all the same. He does not force us to do anything that we do not want to do. We make the choice to sin out of our own volition, and therefore it is our responsibility to repent for that.

This is such an encouragement to me because it shows that I am NOT a slave to my sin. If I am a daughter of the King, then I have the full ability to stand up against my sin with Christ's strength and conquer it. God does not actively ordain me to sin, which takes away my ability to "blame" him for my actions and say that He made me do it for His own "mysterious" reasons.

God loves me and He wants me to choose Him. Again, He chose me initially to be saved, but it is my choice whether or not I will follow Him and obey His commands instead of my own fleshly desires. He strongly desires for me to be in a right relationship with Him, but that means following Him even in the most difficult of times.

But what an encouragement we have in 1 Corinthians 10:13 which says,

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation He will also provide the way of escape, so that you may be able to endure it."

God will allow my sin to take place, but He provides a way out! I feel as though Romans 7 is one of my life chapters, because it consistently comes up as a theme in my life. I have written blogs and posts about this passage before, and I'm going to do so again. Romans 7:15-25 says,

"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For i know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

God is SO merciful, and this is something that I am learning more and more every single day. Thank God for His active and passive ordination in my life, that I may be able to see Him more clearly, follow Him more closely, and love Him more dearly as long as I live.

Mm.