Live in Peace.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

- Romans 12:17-21 (NIV; Emphasis added)

Most of us have encountered this situation. We’ve encountered someone in our lives that we want to reconcile with and make things work, but either the other person isn’t interested, or for some unknown reason the issues, hurts, or problems are irreparable.

In the summer of 2010 between my Junior and Senior years of college, I was an intern for a youth group.  It was a large youth group, so there were 3 male and 2 female interns. Upon meeting my fellow leaders, I was excited about what the summer could bring and what we could accomplish as a team. However, I was mistaken in my excitement. Instead of a great relationship and teamwork with the other female intern, it turned into almost a competition. At one point during the summer when I told her I would like to be a team, she said, “You do whatever you want. I’m going to do everything I can to learn as much as possible, and I’m going to do things on my own.”

At that point, I knew nothing could be done. Even though I tried to invite her to events such as sleepovers with some of the students, she wouldn’t show up and neglected to invite me to things she did. Let me be clear, though. As hurt as I was by many things during the summer, I wasn’t perfect either. I talked about her to people (including students, which was a terrible decision), I lashed out at her in anger one day, and by the end of the summer I simply refused to talk to her. I was so angry that she didn’t want to work together, because that was something I had so desired. I was angry that I heard from other students that she had talked about me (even though I had done the same thing), and I left for school bitter and resentful.

A couple weeks went by, and I realized that my actions were wrong - I needed to apologize and attempt to reconcile. Without giving much detail, I sent her a message that was left unresponded to, and when I tried to talk to her, I instead received threatening emails from her brother and her best friend. At that point, I wanted reconciliation so much, or at least a chance to talk through things. But she wasn’t interested. I was so frustrated, because I couldn’t understand why a Christian would want to live in bitterness or resentment toward another person instead of at least moving to a place of closure.

I began to see things as my fault. I began to blame myself for the entire situation, and I felt as though I was a horrible person. It was then that Eric (my boyfriend at the time, now husband), grabbed me by the shoulders and said,

“Bethany. It’s okay. Were you perfect? No. Did you make mistakes and hurt her? Absolutely. Does that matter now? No. Why? Because you’ve done everything you can to correct things. And that’s all you’re responsible for.”

I was floored by this. Really? I’m not defined by my mistakes, but rather what I do to make things right? That made so much sense, and yet it was so difficult for me to grasp. I always believed that I was defined by my faults - I was constantly looking for places to “start over” or have a “clean slate,” because I didn’t want to be around anyone who knew how flawed I was or what kind of mistakes I made in my past. But that’s not how it works - while there are those who don’t want to admit it, we’ve all made mistakes we wish to move on from.

“As far is it depends on you, live in peace with everyone.”

I tried to work things out with the other female intern - I had done everything I could think of (including calling her, asking our boss to mediate between us, etc), and nothing had worked. At that point, I had a decision to make: I could either keep on trying to no avail (and making things worse for myself emotionally in the process), or I could let go and move on.

It took about 3 years to fully let go, simply because I was so rocked by the situation. But as I began to heal, I realized the freedom that letting go brings - it allowed me not to blame myself. I was able to forgive the other female intern for the way she treated me, to forgive myself for the things I had done, and most importantly, I was able to accept that I was forgiven by God. I knew God didn’t look down on me with anger or judgment - He knows exactly what I’ve done to make the situation right, and that’s all the matters.

If you’re facing a situation of this sort now, or if you have in the past, there is hope. God doesn’t view you in light of your past mistakes or failings. You are forgiven. You are loved. Your mistakes don’t define you, nor does the other person’s refusal to work through things. It’ll take time to push through. It’ll take time to heal. But in the end, you’ll be a stronger person. You’ll be a better person, because you won’t allow yourself to do the same things that were done to you. It’s a journey, and it’s a difficult one. But with faith, hope, and Love, you can make it through.

Forgiveness and Resentment.

You know, it's crazy how thin the line between forgiveness and resentment/bitterness can be. One minute I feel as though I have forgiven those people in my past who have hurt me, and the next... I'm feeling resentful and angry.

About a year ago, I was deeply hurt by a few people. I knew that I had done wrong in the situation, and I tried apologizing for it... but it was of no use. I desperately wanted (and still want) reconciliation to take place, but it never happened, and it was painfully obvious that it was not desired from the other side.

Even though it was a year ago, I still have a lot of pain from that situation. I have tried forgetting about it and moving on, but it's not that simple. I want to just forgive all those people who hurt me and hurt me on purpose, but it's not easy. Through those people's accusations of my character, I have had to wrestle through a lot of questions and doubts about who I am and who Christ sees me to be. I constantly question now my abilities to do ministry and to get along with others in ministry, and I question my motivations for doing the things that I do.

Though I do not question or doubt myself as much as I did right after everything happened, the pain is still evident. I have had some people in my life wonder why I can't just forget about it and move on, and why I'm holding on to it. The truth is... I don't know either. I desperately want to be free of these doubts and I want to have confidence in the abilities and talents that God has given me, but it feels almost impossible to do that.

I am the type of person that just wants to "fix" things. I want to fix everything that I've done wrong to anyone, and I almost always feel as though it's up to me to make things right, because I'm normally in the wrong (at least that's how I tend to look at it). I feel so great when the other person wants reconciliation as well, and I have had wonderful friendships blossom from those times of reconciliation. However... Feeling as though it is on me to fix everything tends to blow up in my face when the other person is not interested in any kind of reconciliation whatsoever. I beat myself up thinking that I have done something so bad to not even deserve forgiveness or reconciliation, and that because of my stupid behavior, I have lost the opportunity to make things right and be forgiven.

But the truth is... that is ALL a lie. I am not expected to in a sense humiliate myself and beg for mercy from others, but rather I am to do my part in apologizing for my share in the situation and asking for forgiveness. After that... I'm off the hook. If I have gone into my apology with the right attitude and truly desire forgiveness and reconciliation, then that's all that is expected of me. No more, no less.

This is why I love the book of Romans. So often I think that if I don't try hard enough, if I don't apologize to others and to God enough, then I'm going to lose credibility and I'm either no longer going to be loved or I'm going to be judged and condemned. But this isn't true. Though humans may fail me and may withhold forgiveness from me, my God will never do that. He calls me to do what I can in order to make things right, but no matter what, He will still love me. I don't need to go crazy trying to please everyone and make them happy with me - because the fact is, if I do everything that I need to do and they still won't forgive me, the responsibility for the situation no longer lies with me.

Too bad it's so stinking hard to remember that... But I DO need to remember Romans 12:18 which says, "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all." If I have done everything I can in order to live peaceably with others, then that's all that I have to do. I can also take great comfort in knowing that even if I'm not forgiven by people or by my fellow believers, I have been forgiven by my God:

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God." (Romans 5:1-2)

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1)

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)

Yes, I am a wretched sinner. Yes, I make stupid mistakes all the time and I don't treat people as well as I should. But I do know that I desire to make things right, and even if those things don't occur, I don't need to harbor resentment toward the other person or even believe that I haven't done enough to make the other person happy. Though I have been deeply hurt by these people, I don't need to be resentful or bitter toward them. I can forgive them, because that is exactly what Christ has done for me. They are fellow believers and fellow companions on this journey of life. Even(or maybe especially) if they are not believers, then it becomes that much more important that I forgive them and show them mercy and kindness - because that is what my Savior did for me.

There is such a huge part of me that wants to just do the same thing that those people did to me and refuse forgiveness. However, I know that this is the opposite of showing Christ's love to them. As much as my fleshly nature wants to harbor judgment and resentment toward them, I know that I need to forgive them and love them unconditionally. No, it's honestly not easy, and I'm probably going to really suck at it. But it's what God has called me to do, and maybe... just maybe... one day I will be able to move on from this and the pain will begin to decrease.

I know that this is a lesson that God will use to work in me for the rest of my life, and I know that I'm going to mess up so many times that I may not even be able to count them. But the beauty of it is... I am still forgiven. And thus, I must forgive others. No matter what.

Facebook Responsibly.

There are some things in our lives that could be deemed as "necessary evils." These are not the evils that are, in fact, actually evil. The real kinds of evils in the world today are unnecessary and should be stopped (i.e. murders, adultery, etc. etc.). However, there are some things in this world that may just be bothersome or frustrating, but they are a necessary evil because, well, maybe we just need to put up with them. For example, to some people, Obama is a necessary evil (well, to others he's unnecessary, but I won't address that one. Can of worms...). For some, cell phones and texting are a necessary evil. They don't like texting, but it seems to be the form of communication that many people like to use, so they do it anyway (Or, they try to run away from it, only to find out that they're giving in later on).

Here's another thing that might just be one of those necessary evils: Facebook. Yes, I said it. We've all had our moments where we are so frustrated and angry with Facebook and things that have happened on it that have caused us to write statuses like, "Facebook is so stupid. I'm considering deleting mine," or "I want to have friends in real life, not on the internet." (PS - I'm including myself in this one.) However, as much as I would very often like to say that I'm deleting my Facebook and never looking back, I'm not exactly sure how possible that is anymore.

Props to Mark Zuckerburg on that one.

(whose movie, by the way, I've heard is actually pretty good).

I know that so many of us wish that we could delete our Facebooks and never have to deal with them again. It feels silly to be upset if someone didn't accept our friend request, didn't respond to our wall post or our message, or even, *gasp* deleted us! Trust me when I say that I have been upset about all of these things and more, which is why I feel okay saying it.

However... Our culture is going more and more in the direction of social networking, and there doesn't seem to be a whole lot we can do to change that. I know that I have temporarily deleted my account a few times because I'm so tired of dealing with Facebook, but I always end up going back to it. And the key word in the previous sentence is temporarily. We all know that we do it. We temporarily delete our accounts because we know that it would take way too much work to create our "unique" profile and build up our friends list all over again. In the back of our minds, we know that we're going to come back to Facebook - but in that moment, we're too stubborn to admit it.

What would happen if instead of fighting the phenomenon of Facebook and social media, we instead embraced it with discernment? What would that look like? Well, for starters, maybe we shouldn't add everyone that we've ever known in our entire lives to our friends list. Maybe we shouldn't add Joe, who's friends with our best friend's sister and met us at that party that one time.

Maybe we should learn to let go when friendships seem to die. I just recently had that happen, where I was holding on to a friendship that wasn't actually there. I talked with Eric about it because I was having a slight altercation with this person, and Eric asked me a simple question: "When was the last time you had a conversation with this person?" To be honest, it's been almost a year since I've talked with this person in real life. THAT, I would say, is the definition of a Facebook friend that might just need to be deleted. Not from any bad or angry feelings, but simply because there's not actually a friendship there anymore.

What if we used Facebook as an encouragement tool, rather than trying to see how many friends we can get, who we can spy on, or how many pictures we can be tagged in? What if Facebook became not about us, but instead about the other people in our lives?

---Let me make myself clear right now. I am not excluding myself from any of this. The only reason I feel as though I can say these things is because I have done each and every one of the things I've talked about here, and much more. This is not an easy blog for me to write, because I know that it would take a dramatic change on my part as well. ----

As Christians, we are called to be "in the world, but not of it." Could that mean that it's okay to use Facebook, but be different in how we use it? I know a girl where the majority of her purpose in using Facebook is just to encourage other people, and she does this in abundance. What if we did that? What would happen if we took the focus off of ourselves and used Facebook to help others? I think we would find that Facebook is then not only a necessary evil, but also a helpful tool in developing relationships and building one another up.

As many alcohol commercials use the phrase, "Drink Responsibly," I am going to take the same connotation from that and say:

Please, Facebook Responsibly.

Questions That Fog Up My Mind.

I know that we're supposed to forgive others after they've hurt us and lied to us, but what happens when they've done it time after time in the past and then ask you to trust that they've changed? Do you just take them at their word, even though they've had a history of breaking your trust?

I know someone who told me that he doesn't expect his friends to earn his trust. Because they're his friends, he just automatically trusts them, even if they lie to him multiple times. I don't think I agree with that. I've severely broken people's trust in the past, and because I cared about them, I wanted to earn their trust back. I knew that I couldn't just expect it to be there.

But what do you do when someone tells you they've changed? That they're not the person they were, and that their heart is in a completely different place? I want to trust this person. I really do. I'm just afraid of being disappointed and hurt again. But do I put that aside in order to hope for the best?

Life can be so confusing. I know that I'm to forgive this person, but I'm not sure if I have to trust them and everything they say. I guess I'm just afraid of them walking away from the friendship if I tell them that I don't trust them. Is that a chance I just need to take?

Oh goodness.

Why?

Why do I do this? Why do I constantly and consistently mess things up all the time? I mean really, I seem to have made an art out of making mistakes. Other people's lives seem so put together - and then there's me. Making big mistakes every day and not seeming to learn from them. I just don't understand it. I want to be better and learn from my experiences. I really do. It just never seems to work out the way I want it to. I know that God loves me and He always forgives me, but human beings aren't the same way. Even people that I see as really good friends of mine I wear so thin that I end up frustrating them and stressing them out because of how much I mess things up. But I don't know how to fix it. Every time I try to fix it, I just end up making things worse, and it continues to spiral downwards.I really feel like a failure when it comes to making and maintaining friendships.

I know that one of my problems is that I depend on my friendships way too much. I realize this and I'll readily admit it. But honestly, I don't know how to fix it. I really want to, but I just can't seem to. I just always seem to be clingy and then I become high-maintenance with my friends, and then no one wants to be around me. So how do I make this better?

I feel as though I keep spiraling downwards further and further into a situation that I can't get out of. I really want to be different, but every time I try and make a change, I just end up either in the same place or even worse. I know self-control is one of the fruits of the spirit, but God ha been working on me with that for so long, and I don't know if it's ever going to get better... I have tried and tried, but I always end up saying and doing the wrong thing to get myself in a mess.

I love my friends. I really do. And I care about them SO much. But I guess I always forget that people need space. I'm not one of those people that really needs a lot of space from others, but I forget that other people are not like me. And then because I forget that I start getting upset because someone doesn't want to hang out or does something to disappoint me. And then once I do that, they in turn start to feel smothered and want me to back off.

I did this with a friend just today, and a different friend the other day. Why do I do this to myself? I feel like such a masochist, putting myself into situations where I'm just going to get hurt, and where I'm also going to hurt others. I want it to stop. And people don't seem to understand that it's really not as easy as it seems to change.

My friend that I did it to today really got upset with me, and while I was hurt by this person, I was more upset by the fact that I had messed up once again. But what do I do? People always tell me to just pray about it. Guys, I have prayed. Many times. But God doesn't seem to have spoken to me about it. I feel as if I'm on my own, and that scares me. I don't know what to do.

I know that God is calling me to have more faith. But I just don't know what that looks like...