You know, after finding out everything yesterday, there's a huge part of me that wishes the doctor just hadn't said anything to me about my illness. I know it's better for my health and wiser to know what's going on, but the saying that "ignorance is bliss" is so very true. Before I knew about all of this I was happy. I was feeling healthy. I was eating better and exercising, and I felt great. I still feel pretty good, but even when I feel good I have this sinking feeling that no matter how good I feel there's still something wrong with me.
I know that I have the power to change how I feel day-to-day. I know that just because I am sick, doesn't mean I have to feel sick. Now that I'm done crying about everything (I don't think I'd be able to cry if I tried), I'm feeling more hopeful. I feel as though I need to fight back. My UC and PBC won't win. I'm going to make sure I'm as healthy as I can be so if I have to get a liver transplant, it'll be the healthiest inflamed liver the doctors have ever seen (that totally makes sense...right?).
I received a Facebook message from one of my friends in Colorado last night, and one of the things she said stuck out to me - she told me that I'm a fighter and I always have been. As unsure as I am about how true that really is, I'm now determined to fight back against this and not let it win. I know that I'll be going through a lot of tests at my hospital now as well as the Mayo Clinic, but I'm not going to let that get me down. The sooner I get the tests over with, the sooner I can get back to a relatively normal life.
Speaking of normal.. it's only been a couple of weeks since all of this has started and I'm already aching for normalcy again. I'm aching to feel healthy and enjoy the relationship with my husband, family, and friends without this nagging thought in the back of my mind that I'm sick. I'm aching to be able to work again without wondering how negatively the stress is affecting my condition. And as much as I desire encouragement, I also desperately don't want the people around me to think of me as "that sick girl." Please don't misunderstand me - I so appreciate everyone's encouragement and comments. You have no idea how much it helped me yesterday when I felt the lowest of the low. But I'm praying that you don't just see me as a sick person and someone to feel sorry for.
I understand how easy it is to do that - I've done the same thing plenty of times myself. What I desire is for people to talk to me for me, not for my illness. I don't want this to become my identity. I know that I can't escape from the fact that I'm struggling with it, but I want to live as normal of a life as possible.
That being said, especially in the beginning stages as I start to process through everything, please don't hesitate to send Scripture, encouraging thoughts, notes, etc. I am more than willing (and want!) to receive them and I'm so grateful for all of the encouragement I've received already. My attitude has changed some from yesterday - I know that God is in control and He knows what He's doing, but at the same time I still don't want to pick up my Bible. I know that turning to Him is going to be a long process. I wish I could say that I'm now getting as much of the Word as possible, but that would be a lie. I'm still fighting the feelings of anger and confusion... well, maybe not so much fighting at the moment as I'm actually angry and confused and want to stay that way for a while.
Again, I don't wish to alienate anyone by these words that I've said. If you want to send encouraging words at any time, please don't hesitate to do so. The only thing I'm cautioning against is looking at me as a sick person and not seeing beyond that to who I really am. I am determined for this sickness not to define me, and I pray that you will help me with that.