Thursday, October 1, 2009

Tied in Knots

After talking to my mentor for a couple hours last night, I have realized even more how much of a verbal processor I am... And a writing processor through that..? Ha, I guess that's why my blogs are always so long and thoughtful. Anyway... here goes:

Have you ever had moments, days, weeks, months where your stomach is just completely tied in knots, but there's really nothing you can do about it? I tend to get this a lot.. Especially since I'm a worrier and a stresser. I tend to get worried about my circumstances and everything that is going on in my life, and I therefore the knots just get tighter and tighter.

I know that God is teaching me so much more about having faith in him lately, but there are still times when it's really hard to have faith in Him. I want to know that He has the best for me in mind, and He knows what He's doing. It's easy to have the head knowledge of that. But when it comes to it being played out in my life.... well, that's not so easy. My heart is always behind my head when it comes to those types of things. I really want to believe in my heart that God knows what's best and He's going to do that. But then I'm always afraid that I've done something to mess up God's best and I'll no longer get it. *sigh*

I'll be honest and admit it - I wouldn't hate it if a few things in my life were different than they are now. Do I think that it's possible for things to be different? Unfortunately, no. I would LIKE not to be as busy as I am, and I would LIKE to have a man in my life. But frankly, those things can't change right now. There's no way that I can change how incredibly busy I am right now. it's just the way life is and the season that I'm in. And that runs into why I really can't have any guys in my life right now. I'm just too busy. I barely have time for myself and time to catch up with other friends, so I really have no time to squeeze a boyfriend into the whole mess... Even though I'm pretty sure if I had the opportunity I would probably try, even if it wasn't what God wanted. How's that for honest?

I really try to hold all of life with an open hand, even though i'm a person who really likes to make plans. But this makes life really confusing and difficult at times because it makes it hard to know what I want and what God wants. So here I am, holding my desire to be with someone with an open hand, but at the same time I am trying to hold my singleness with an open hand, in case God wants to change it.

This creates a dilemma. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but it's a dilemma nonetheless. I can't get comfortable in the situation I am in. If I do, then I feel as though it is tightening my grip on my life, and I am not allowing God to work. Is this really what's going on? I'm not sure, but I guess I always figure that it's better to be safe than sorry.

Does this therefore create discontent? It's very possible. Because this would then mean that I am essentially expecting my situation to change. I don't get comfortable. I don't let myself be okay with whatever is going on in my life at the specific time, because it could always turn around. While that's true, I shouldn't necessarily view things that way. God calls me to be content, no matter what situation I'm in. Does this mean that I cannot have desires that are different from the situation that I find myself in? I don't think so.

I think that the problem comes in when the desires take over and I can no longer function or interact with people without having evidence of those desires flow out. If the desires become my idol and they overtake my desire to serve God, that is when the problem occurs. I need to be willing to serve God wholeheartedly even when I would rather my situation be different.

Here is the material point: While I may want my situation to be different, God DOES know what is best, and He DOES work all things for the good of those who love Him. It's just my job to actually take that to heart and believe it.

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