Why do I do this? Why do I constantly and consistently mess things up all the time? I mean really, I seem to have made an art out of making mistakes. Other people's lives seem so put together - and then there's me. Making big mistakes every day and not seeming to learn from them. I just don't understand it. I want to be better and learn from my experiences. I really do. It just never seems to work out the way I want it to. I know that God loves me and He always forgives me, but human beings aren't the same way. Even people that I see as really good friends of mine I wear so thin that I end up frustrating them and stressing them out because of how much I mess things up. But I don't know how to fix it. Every time I try to fix it, I just end up making things worse, and it continues to spiral downwards.I really feel like a failure when it comes to making and maintaining friendships.
I know that one of my problems is that I depend on my friendships way too much. I realize this and I'll readily admit it. But honestly, I don't know how to fix it. I really want to, but I just can't seem to. I just always seem to be clingy and then I become high-maintenance with my friends, and then no one wants to be around me. So how do I make this better?
I feel as though I keep spiraling downwards further and further into a situation that I can't get out of. I really want to be different, but every time I try and make a change, I just end up either in the same place or even worse. I know self-control is one of the fruits of the spirit, but God ha been working on me with that for so long, and I don't know if it's ever going to get better... I have tried and tried, but I always end up saying and doing the wrong thing to get myself in a mess.
I love my friends. I really do. And I care about them SO much. But I guess I always forget that people need space. I'm not one of those people that really needs a lot of space from others, but I forget that other people are not like me. And then because I forget that I start getting upset because someone doesn't want to hang out or does something to disappoint me. And then once I do that, they in turn start to feel smothered and want me to back off.
I did this with a friend just today, and a different friend the other day. Why do I do this to myself? I feel like such a masochist, putting myself into situations where I'm just going to get hurt, and where I'm also going to hurt others. I want it to stop. And people don't seem to understand that it's really not as easy as it seems to change.
My friend that I did it to today really got upset with me, and while I was hurt by this person, I was more upset by the fact that I had messed up once again. But what do I do? People always tell me to just pray about it. Guys, I have prayed. Many times. But God doesn't seem to have spoken to me about it. I feel as if I'm on my own, and that scares me. I don't know what to do.
I know that God is calling me to have more faith. But I just don't know what that looks like...