Saturday, August 8, 2009

My Summer 2009 Part 1

Oh man, where do I begin with the things that I have learned this summer? I can't believe how many things have happened. One of the good things is that I know this is exactly where God wanted me. I can't imagine having spent my summer any other way, which is a huge blessing. But even though this has been the best summer of my life, it has still been extremely difficult and trying.

First off, I had my first boyfriend this summer, and had my first heartbreak as well. I really didn't think that heartbreak would happen to me. I know that sounds crazy, but for the longest time I really believed that God would keep me from any relationship that wasn't THE relationship, so that I would be spared that kind of pain. However, in His wisdom and plan, He chose to allow that to happen to me. And I'm not going to lie; especially since I really believed that God had promised me that I wouldn't go through heartbreak, it was terrible as soon as this guy told me that it was over between us. I couldn't understand why God would break His promise, and why He would allow that to happen.

However, let me go through a little bit of background in order to clarify why it was so difficult for me to trust God after we broke up. All my life, whenever I was interested in a guy, God would put some kind of barrier up. Either the guy didn't like me back, or I found out something about the guy that I really didn't appreciate, or God would just seem to put up a wall between the relationship, even if both of us were interested in each other. The reason I thought that this was happening is because when I was 14 or 15 I prayed and asked God to allow my first relationship to be my only relationship, and that the man that I had that relationship with would become my husband. So because of this, I really believed that God had promised me that He would grant that request.

So continuing on with the story, I really thought that God had broken His promise to me and I couldn't for the life of me understand why. It took me a good couple of weeks to actually come to the point where I realized that God doesn't go back on His promises, and He also doesn't always say yes to our requests. There are many times when we think we know what's best and so we expect God to say yes to us when really He has something different planned and says no to what we ask of Him. This was so incredibly difficult for me. I didn't want to admit at all that God could possibly say no to what I asked of Him.

One thing that was so difficult was that when I was younger I saw other people getting into relationships, and then getting their hearts broken and I just did not want that. I saw what it did to people, and it scared me. I couldn't imagine going through that kind of pain. However, at the same time I also wanted a relationship so badly that I tried so many times to get into one. God said no every single time, so with this relationship I thought that it was the right one because God actually allowed it to happen. Obviously though, I was wrong.

I was also talking to Mom a few weeks ago about the whole relationship and breakup, and she mentioned how maybe God allowed me to go through this so I can even more effectively reach out to women in the future who have been hurt by men and hurt by past relationships. If I had never experienced heartbreak before, I wouldn't be able to connect with them nearly as much because even though I'd be able to sympathize with their pain, I wouldn't be able to understand it.

I now also just feel so stupid for allowing myself to get into that serious of a relationship so quickly. I had known him only a week before we decided to be together, and I stupidly thought that it was going to last. I have a difficult time not beating myself up about it because I had actually been smart over the last couple of years, and then I had told myself that this summer I wasn't going to get involved with any guys and I was just going to stay completely away from them. I was so tired of the drama and I was also talking with another guy about the possibility of a relationship, and then the first guy that caught my eye at camp I got involved with. Really? I mean, seriously. I just feel so ridiculous for allowing that to happen. I was definitely so set against allowing a relationship to happen, and then I just buckled when a cute guy came in and started flirting with me.

This is another lesson learned, though: Even though a guy may seem to have everything that I want and need doesn't mean he really does. Until the spiritual maturity is there, nothing else matters. This guy seriously has just about everything that I could want and need in a guy as far as physical, athletic, musical, and common interests go. But the thing is that the maturity really wasn't there at all, and unfortunately I didn't see that until it was too late. Now I know that God has someone out there for me that fits my list, and most importantly has the maturity to go along with it.

I have also been really sobered to the idea of a relationship since everything happened with him. I used to just want a relationship because I wanted to know what it was like to have someone care about you just like you care about them and I had felt left out from all of my friends. But now that I have actually experienced a relationship and the terrible pain of having my heart broken, I am definitely content to just wait until God is ready to bring the right man along. I do not want to go through this situation again, and I am definitely going to take my time with the next relationship. I've learned my lesson with being patient, and just how important it is. Rushing into things with this guy was definitely not a good idea in the slightest.

God has definitely taught me so much throughout this summer, and I just hope that I can remember it all after I leave camp and I start getting back to reality and I start being interested in other guys.
I'll be updating more later about what else happened this summer, but that's all I can muster right now. Love you all, and I'm excited to get back to school in a week. :)

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