Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Confessions of a Broken Girl.

You know, I used to always think that God wanted me to be perfect. That He would praise me for the mistakes I didn't make, and the less I made, the happier he'd be with me and the more He'd love me. I used to think that since I didn't drink, do drugs, or have sex, that somehow I was in better standing with God than all those "other" people.

...And then I made my own mistakes. Big mistakes. Mistakes that I will have to live with my entire life. And my confidence in my standing with God plummeted. I even had times of wondering if I was even a Christian, and if I was going to heaven. I had no assurance, simply because I had fallen down. I had even been taught lessons that we need to question our salvation if we fall into sin.

Ever since then, though I know the truth that God loves me and accepts me even when I fall into sin, I find it hard to believe that. I find myself questioning Him and myself and His acceptance of me.

During my time at Moody, I have made mistakes. I have fallen. I have done things that I shouldn't, and I have treated people in ways that I know are wrong. And every single time I have completely beaten myself up for it, and felt as though maybe I'm not a Christian because I made a mistake. That God doesn't accept me because I made a mistake. That God is happier with "those" people who are holier than me and would never treat another person the way I did. But this isn't the case. God loves me and accepts me, and loves me just the same as He does any of His other children.

Praise God for His unconditional love!

When I fall down, He doesn't just look down on me from far away pointing and saying, "You are a failure." No... He comes down, scoops me up in His arms, and tells me that He loves me no matter what I do, and that He just wants me to come running back to Him.

There's a Phil Wickham song that has the line:

"You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms"

Beautiful words, beautiful truth, beautiful God.

I also love the "Footprints in the Sand" poem. It is so true, and it is something that I need to be reminded daily of. I am not strong enough to handle this life on my own. I am not strong enough not to make mistakes and not to fall flat on my face. But my God is strong enough to carry me through those times, and bring me out on the other side.

Praise Him, Praise Him, Praise Him.

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”
- Mary Stevenson, 1936

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