Saturday, October 31, 2009

Comments from the Overstressed and Overwhelmed.

Do those two words mean the same thing? Mm... Probably. Oh well. I realized that it has been a while since I updated my blog, so I figured that I would go ahead and do that. To be honest though, I have been so busy with school, work, and life that I really haven't had the time to sit and contemplate things. I wish I did because I really enjoy it, but unfortunately school doesn't really allow for that right now.

I guess I do have a lot on my mind, but I don't really know what to point out at the moment. Maybe one thing to point out is how I'm struggling with prayer. I always hate how it seems like other people don't struggle with it but it comes so easy for them. That's definitely not the case for me. I have the hardest time praying because I feel so selfish praying for things that I want.

I know in my head that it's good to pray. I know that God tells us to pray for others and for the things that we want, but here's my dillemma: Who am I that I should try to approach the God of the universe to ask for something that I want? Shouldn't I just be grateful to be alive and take whatever He gives me without question? Why should I think that I deserve to receive anything from him?

I have been wrestling with these questions for such a long time now. I don't feel as though I'm worthy to ask for what I want. And I realize too that it's okay to ask for what I want as long as I'm okay with God saying no to that request. However, I really want to know if that's easy at all for ANYONE. Because frankly, as soon as I start praying about what I want I start to get my hopes up, and it just ends in disappointment because I find it to be one of the hardest things in the world to give what I want to God and then at the same time say, "Your will be done."

I don't think that I ask for too much, at least that's what I try not to do. I try to ask for the bare minimum so as not to make God think that I'm taking advantage of Him. But even as I write those things, I realize how absolutely ridiculous that sounds.

Of COURSE God wants me to ask for things from Him. That's the beauty of grace and mercy. He wants me to take advantage of that, and even take advantage of Him. But to really accept that in my heart is so incredibly difficult to do.

So now I will be thinking and praying about this further. Hm.. Praying about prayer. That's an interesting concept.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Here Master, in this Quiet Place

This is an awesome song that I really need to memorize so I can sing it to myself during the times that I doubt God and what He can do.


Here Master, in this quiet place, where anyone may kneel.
I also come to ask for grace, believing You can heal.

If pain of body, stress of mind destoys my inward peace,
in prayer for others may I find the secret of release.

If self upon the sickness feeds and turns my life to gall,
let me not brood upon my needs, but simply tell You all.

You never said, "you ask to much" to any troubled soul.
I long to feel Your healing touch, will You not make me whole?

But if the thing I most desire is not Your way for me,
may faith, when tested in the fire, prove its integrity.

Of all my prayers, may this be chief till faith is fully grown.
Lord disbelieve my unbelief and claim me as Your own.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Falling in Love

This is a song by the band Falling Up (Thanks for introducing me to them, Roger) and it's AMAZING. It can be taken from the earthly perspective, but it's supposed to be about our relationship with Christ. It's convicting because I wonder how many times I actually think of God this way.....

Falling in Love
By: Falling Up

You are my one true love
You are the voice that is so sweet
In everything I do, you bring the best out of me
You are my wings to fly
You are the wind beneath them
I miss you every night, when I close my eyes
You put your feelings down
You stopped your tears you brought me love
You held to my heart
You held with hope to have me near
Sometimes I close my eyes
Sometimes I let my hunger rise
I think of all You are, You are the love of my life

All of my dreams and my passions
Are in Your hands

You reached me in my need
Your rhythm flows under my skin
I need you desperately,
A sweet healing that will begin
You are my one true love
You are the voice that is so sweet
In everything I do, you bring the best out of me
My everything is you
The very motions that I move
And everything with richness
The richness of the peace you bring

Always, always you are with me
You are the love of my life
He comes to find you on your knees

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Called to the mission field?

That question absolutely scares me to death. I have NEVER thought of myself as someone who could be called to be a missionary. Now, here's my thing: I don't want this sudden desire to be coming just from the hype of Missions Conference. This is why I'm really treading lightly. However, there are threads that have gone throughout my life that have made me think that I very possibly could be called, but I'm just now realizing it. But like I said, it's definitely something that I need to pray about.

Anyway, here are some things that have made me start thinking about the mission field. I have always loved Europe. I don't know if it's because it's always romanticized or whatever, but there's always been a drawing towards Europe for me. Last year at Missions Conference I went to a couple of sessions put on by Greater Europe Mission, but I didn't really think much about it. Then after Missions Conference my dad talked to me about a couple that they had met that worked at the headquarters in Monument, Colorado and they were looking for women to work with other women in London. I turned it down and didn't really think about it. And now this year again GEM is here and I have gone to all of their sessions. Each time I've gone, I've felt more and more excitement about what God may have in store for me, but more and more apprehension at the same time. And something that makes me apprehensive is the fact that I have had multiple people throughout my life ask me if I'm interested in missions, and then tell me that I should consider it.

If my point hasn't gotten across before, I am TERRIFIED to go overseas for a long period of time. But maybe that's just another reason why I should. I'm not a Christian so that I can feel "comfortable" and stay in my little box forever. I am a Christian so that I can follow God no matter where He may lead.

This brings me to another apprehension: I'm single. This fact does not really bode well for me if I were to go into missions. Sure, God can do anything and He definitely could bring someone along, but if I were to be a single missionary there is a very real possibility that I will always be a single missionary. This leads me into thinking that God could very well be asking me if I really am willing to follow Him anywhere, no matter what. Am I willing to go completely on faith with the possibility of denying myself of one of my deepest desires so that I can follow and serve Him?

I would like to sound really spiritual and answer "yes." But in order for me to do that right now, I would have to lie. I cannot with a completely clear conscience say that I would follow God that far. Sure, I can easily say that if God gives me someone before I go over there then I will be more than happy to serve Him overseas. But to tell Him that I will go even if that means staying single forever... Well, that's about the most difficult thing for me. Any other decision that I may make in my life seems as though it would be a piece of cake in comparison to that decision.

Faith is a huge theme that God is teaching me right now. This may be one of those things that He's trying to develop within my heart. I don't know where it will lead, but all I know is that I'm pretty sure I've just moved into a season of pretty serious prayer and really seeking God's direction and will.

God, give me ears to hear what You have to say, discernment to know that it's really You, and the courage to follow You, even when I may want to run the opposite direction.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Oh So Lonely....

Have you ever felt lonely, even though you're surrounded by tons of people? That's exactly how I'm feeling right now. I'm around people all the time, and lots of people know who I am. But all the relationships with those people are completely superficial. I just don't feel like I have many real friendships here. I feel as though if I stopped trying so hard with people, I would completely disappear... Besides people that I work in ministry with, I don't know if people would really notice if I were gone.

I hate that feeling. Because I should know that it's not true.I should know that people care about me. I just... don't right now. I don't see the evidence of it, and maybe that's because I'm just blinded. I don't know.

I just feel alone. And the pat, cliche answer of God always being there for us doesn't really help. It's just such an easy answer for everyone to give. But I just want some friends. Why are they so hard to find? I don't want superficial relationships anymore. I want deep, meaningful ones. Why is no one interested in a deep friendship with me? It just baffles me.

Ugh. I wish I didn't feel like this. I wish I could just be happy all the time. Maybe it's the weather getting to me... I don't know. We'll see how the next few days play out, I suppose.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Tied in Knots

After talking to my mentor for a couple hours last night, I have realized even more how much of a verbal processor I am... And a writing processor through that..? Ha, I guess that's why my blogs are always so long and thoughtful. Anyway... here goes:

Have you ever had moments, days, weeks, months where your stomach is just completely tied in knots, but there's really nothing you can do about it? I tend to get this a lot.. Especially since I'm a worrier and a stresser. I tend to get worried about my circumstances and everything that is going on in my life, and I therefore the knots just get tighter and tighter.

I know that God is teaching me so much more about having faith in him lately, but there are still times when it's really hard to have faith in Him. I want to know that He has the best for me in mind, and He knows what He's doing. It's easy to have the head knowledge of that. But when it comes to it being played out in my life.... well, that's not so easy. My heart is always behind my head when it comes to those types of things. I really want to believe in my heart that God knows what's best and He's going to do that. But then I'm always afraid that I've done something to mess up God's best and I'll no longer get it. *sigh*

I'll be honest and admit it - I wouldn't hate it if a few things in my life were different than they are now. Do I think that it's possible for things to be different? Unfortunately, no. I would LIKE not to be as busy as I am, and I would LIKE to have a man in my life. But frankly, those things can't change right now. There's no way that I can change how incredibly busy I am right now. it's just the way life is and the season that I'm in. And that runs into why I really can't have any guys in my life right now. I'm just too busy. I barely have time for myself and time to catch up with other friends, so I really have no time to squeeze a boyfriend into the whole mess... Even though I'm pretty sure if I had the opportunity I would probably try, even if it wasn't what God wanted. How's that for honest?

I really try to hold all of life with an open hand, even though i'm a person who really likes to make plans. But this makes life really confusing and difficult at times because it makes it hard to know what I want and what God wants. So here I am, holding my desire to be with someone with an open hand, but at the same time I am trying to hold my singleness with an open hand, in case God wants to change it.

This creates a dilemma. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but it's a dilemma nonetheless. I can't get comfortable in the situation I am in. If I do, then I feel as though it is tightening my grip on my life, and I am not allowing God to work. Is this really what's going on? I'm not sure, but I guess I always figure that it's better to be safe than sorry.

Does this therefore create discontent? It's very possible. Because this would then mean that I am essentially expecting my situation to change. I don't get comfortable. I don't let myself be okay with whatever is going on in my life at the specific time, because it could always turn around. While that's true, I shouldn't necessarily view things that way. God calls me to be content, no matter what situation I'm in. Does this mean that I cannot have desires that are different from the situation that I find myself in? I don't think so.

I think that the problem comes in when the desires take over and I can no longer function or interact with people without having evidence of those desires flow out. If the desires become my idol and they overtake my desire to serve God, that is when the problem occurs. I need to be willing to serve God wholeheartedly even when I would rather my situation be different.

Here is the material point: While I may want my situation to be different, God DOES know what is best, and He DOES work all things for the good of those who love Him. It's just my job to actually take that to heart and believe it.